deepundergroundpoetry.com
Torturous Paranoia
It's easy at first to enjoy moments
But it's hard to tell yourself that they have meaning
Even when you believe they could have potential to create good things
The truth is you really have no clue
What I've learned about moments is mutuality is often assumed
You hope more than you truly know
The mind tends to trick itself into false realities of situations
Simply to assist the part of you that craves connection
Relaxation has the tendency to cloud judgment
Almost as much as it tends to set direction
You can't get caught up in craving a carefree state
Just as you shouldn't allow yourself to become consumed by past deception
A healthy balance is ideal
But we all know idealist fantasies never come true
So welcome to the realism that resides in these inner depths
"I can only trust myself" splattered all over these walls
These roads are no good for me I'm perfectly aware
But they are the only ones I feel I know well
Perhaps there's some sort of safety in my destructive approach
Because it always lands me back to familiarity in disappointment
I rest my head in confidence of being right
And cover myself in blankets of "I told you so"
This mattress of acceptance reminds me I'm responsible for my actions
I've created a home in self-blame, but at least I'm in control
This is a path I've walked down many times
I'm better at carving than I care to admit
I throw stones in my own way
Just so I can find a reason to stop
Because continuation of events is a cause for damage control
Natural processes need quick shutdowns
Thinking and wondering can extend to no more than suspicion
Before formulation of emotion should ever occur
I want to be able to let things flow without question
To not seek answers when the time just isn't right
Instead I seem to enter the worry stage long before everyone else
Default preparation to weave defence webs of mass intricacy and confusion
Amongst an overpopulation of dysfunctional crazies
I'm just a curious skeptic treading cautiously
Observing every step to walk straight lines with precision
Only turning corners where necessary after they pass inspection
I'm more sure of what I want rather than what I need
And I know I want foundations filled with substance and depth
I will continue to seek those who want to help build them
I just wish I knew when it was safe to start
Smiles and comfort can equate to a false sense of security
Or they can lead to finding pieces for stable build construction
How can you ever really know what's safe and what isn't?
You can't
That's how I know this question will forever plague me
It doesn't matter where I go in life
What decision I make or mistake I learn from
I will not be able to rid myself of this torturous paranoia
I'm stuck in the molds of everything that touched the fibers of my being
But it's hard to tell yourself that they have meaning
Even when you believe they could have potential to create good things
The truth is you really have no clue
What I've learned about moments is mutuality is often assumed
You hope more than you truly know
The mind tends to trick itself into false realities of situations
Simply to assist the part of you that craves connection
Relaxation has the tendency to cloud judgment
Almost as much as it tends to set direction
You can't get caught up in craving a carefree state
Just as you shouldn't allow yourself to become consumed by past deception
A healthy balance is ideal
But we all know idealist fantasies never come true
So welcome to the realism that resides in these inner depths
"I can only trust myself" splattered all over these walls
These roads are no good for me I'm perfectly aware
But they are the only ones I feel I know well
Perhaps there's some sort of safety in my destructive approach
Because it always lands me back to familiarity in disappointment
I rest my head in confidence of being right
And cover myself in blankets of "I told you so"
This mattress of acceptance reminds me I'm responsible for my actions
I've created a home in self-blame, but at least I'm in control
This is a path I've walked down many times
I'm better at carving than I care to admit
I throw stones in my own way
Just so I can find a reason to stop
Because continuation of events is a cause for damage control
Natural processes need quick shutdowns
Thinking and wondering can extend to no more than suspicion
Before formulation of emotion should ever occur
I want to be able to let things flow without question
To not seek answers when the time just isn't right
Instead I seem to enter the worry stage long before everyone else
Default preparation to weave defence webs of mass intricacy and confusion
Amongst an overpopulation of dysfunctional crazies
I'm just a curious skeptic treading cautiously
Observing every step to walk straight lines with precision
Only turning corners where necessary after they pass inspection
I'm more sure of what I want rather than what I need
And I know I want foundations filled with substance and depth
I will continue to seek those who want to help build them
I just wish I knew when it was safe to start
Smiles and comfort can equate to a false sense of security
Or they can lead to finding pieces for stable build construction
How can you ever really know what's safe and what isn't?
You can't
That's how I know this question will forever plague me
It doesn't matter where I go in life
What decision I make or mistake I learn from
I will not be able to rid myself of this torturous paranoia
I'm stuck in the molds of everything that touched the fibers of my being
Published 21st Jul 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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29th Jul 2014 1:34am
This work holds a significant philosophical weight to it and at the same time conveys a brutal honesty that can only come from the realms of personal experience... It took me a couple reads through to get an overall grasp of the reflections you are making here such that every stanza provokes thought quite effectively and leaves substantial room for interpretation. Once again, I tip my hat to you for your honesty, and the writing style used that leads way for the reader to relate to what you are posting on different levels.
some people say that the entire universe boils down into an elaborate equation. There is a time for analytics and a time to go with the flow, and i guess that wisdom could be the development of a sense of balance between the two. Keep up the reflections
some people say that the entire universe boils down into an elaborate equation. There is a time for analytics and a time to go with the flow, and i guess that wisdom could be the development of a sense of balance between the two. Keep up the reflections
29th Jul 2014 2:18am
I really appreciate you taking the time to read and leaving such an in depth comment. I'm glad that you were able to understand where I was coming from. Yes, personal experience is really what inspires these kinds of writes. Moments are complex things. They either mean something or they don't, and the last thing you want is to be caught in another round of mutuality illusion. So sadly, I overthink. Going with the flow is easy in some respects, it's the reflections on said event and the questioning afterward that causes thought formulation and wonder. But, what do you do? You just gotta try to chill and see what happens. It's that balance between treading carefully and letting go that is a struggle. Perhaps I will find it one day. Or perhaps I must realize that with each negative experience I will retain knowledge and thus will be able to detect problems quicker. Maybe the lesson is that you can't prevent it, but you can only keep it from happening less...
Thanks for making me think and reflect. And thanks for the compliments on my writing style, too. They are much appreciated.
Thanks for making me think and reflect. And thanks for the compliments on my writing style, too. They are much appreciated.
29th Jul 2014 2:52am
My pleasure... Your work does inspire reflection and I resonate with your writings. I really like your term "mutuality illusion", it is concise and real, I have never heard of or pondered such a concept before. I was once told that I "intellectualize" things when I shouldn't, and that sometimes a cigar is a cigar and nothing more... I do indeed suppose that balance is the name of the game, but I am inspired with how you found the silver lining to the cloud (so to say) with these matters in seeing some of the moments shared with others as providing for a learning experience. In the end, isn't evolution what it's all about? I have come to the realization over my later years that intimacy is a very heavy thing and that people tend to invest a lot in other people and that doing so is not always appreciated, thus taking a risk. I guess that I only came to appreciate intimacy for what it really is in recent years... interesting food for thought
29th Jul 2014 5:13am
It's really cool to know that you feel my work inspires reflection. Also glad you liked my term lol. Mutuality illusion is a concept inspired by several disappointments. We want moments to have meaning, but do they, really? Seems to me they are mostly based on hope. And the mind knows how to trick itself into believing what it wants to. Some people pick up on that fact and will help you create the illusion so that you believe it for their benefit and then later you discover it for what it was... nothing real. It's unfortunate because moments should be able to serve as those indicators that something authentic is occurring. Although I am aware that is absolutely the case sometimes, you can never be too sure. Sadly my skepticism is very persistent. But I am aware that I cannot allow it to control my ability to experience for that would be equally as destructive.
Yes, it's definitely all about evolution. We never stop learning and growing. That process is part of what makes life enjoyable for me.
I think the investment issue happens not only in the scope of intimacy but in the friendship realm too. It all depends what someone wants from you. There are evil people out there and some of them will do whatever it takes to achieve their desired goal. But it's also important to accept that sometimes there are just no expectations... That feeling comforts me typically, but my mind tends to wander. I guess it can't be helped. You can only try to not let it consume you, really. Risk is essential, fear only cripples.
And whoever told you that you intellectualize things more than you should, blah. Nothing wrong with thinking and thinking outside the box at that. Let your mind do what it wants.
Yes, it's definitely all about evolution. We never stop learning and growing. That process is part of what makes life enjoyable for me.
I think the investment issue happens not only in the scope of intimacy but in the friendship realm too. It all depends what someone wants from you. There are evil people out there and some of them will do whatever it takes to achieve their desired goal. But it's also important to accept that sometimes there are just no expectations... That feeling comforts me typically, but my mind tends to wander. I guess it can't be helped. You can only try to not let it consume you, really. Risk is essential, fear only cripples.
And whoever told you that you intellectualize things more than you should, blah. Nothing wrong with thinking and thinking outside the box at that. Let your mind do what it wants.
29th Jul 2014 2:56pm
Well said... I have much to think about this morning. I guess that it is important then to try and be aware of when I am "letting my guard down" , but still keep in mind that I may be reassuring myself to do so outside the confines of logic, via some sort of trickery of the mind... interesting stuff... It seems like every time I think of these sort of situations, everything is getting abstracted... I guess that a relationship (even as a written concept) is inherently complicated and it is indeed tempting to let the mind wander about, so perhaps it is best to sometimes "go with the flow" and see what happens...
I believe it to be a sign of good character that you keep your skepticism in line.
"Engraved on the pillars to the temple are the words : Know Thy Self" - paraphrase from the works of E. Levi
I forgot to mention how much I dig the title of this work also, it is most suiting...
I guess that some people are "psychic vampires" and that every now and then, one of them may cross our paths on this trip... perhaps one must be prepared to take a gamble before investing time in someone else, whatever the nature of the relationship may be. I seldom think about these sorts of things, so I am not overly well versed on the subject, but it makes an interesting morning to consider this stuff... enjoy the day
I believe it to be a sign of good character that you keep your skepticism in line.
"Engraved on the pillars to the temple are the words : Know Thy Self" - paraphrase from the works of E. Levi
I forgot to mention how much I dig the title of this work also, it is most suiting...
I guess that some people are "psychic vampires" and that every now and then, one of them may cross our paths on this trip... perhaps one must be prepared to take a gamble before investing time in someone else, whatever the nature of the relationship may be. I seldom think about these sorts of things, so I am not overly well versed on the subject, but it makes an interesting morning to consider this stuff... enjoy the day
30th Jul 2014 4:27am
I think it's good to think and to question overall, I just think that sometimes we can overdo it to the point of ruining the meaning of experiences, and that's where it becomes dangerous. Sometimes going with the flow is equally important, there's no point in worrying about direction too soon because if you let it overtake you, it has potential to hinder progress. The last thing you want is to stand in your own way and miss out on good things. Worrying once some sort of direction has been established though and emotions start to form, well, that's another story...
Yes, that's exactly what it's about, taking a gamble. It's the only way to know, and you can't know until you try. You just have to keep yourself thinking as clearly as possible because once emotions get in the way, logistics begin to go out the window. Emotions and logic never do play well together. Life would be easier if they did. Haha. But life is all about risk, and even if things go badly, at least you can learn. And learning is always great.
I'm glad you like the title! Thanks. I wasn't sure about it at first so I'm happy to know you find it fitting, yay.
Thank you for saying skepticism is a sign of good character. I really appreciate you seeing it that way. I think it's a good thing too for the most part because realism is so very important. Again it's the overdoing it that I think causes issue. But I guess at the end of the day, I just have to think of people who choose to be around me and have stuck by me. They went through it, understood and we got passed it. I suppose that is what it's about, acceptance. People either understand and deal, or they don't, so you move on. It just annoys me sometimes because of how strong it can be at times and I don't want to subject anyone to the hassle of working with such complexities. But each individual has choice, I guess...
I'm glad I've been able to fill your head with thought and given you things to consider, that's awesome. This has been an interesting discussion for sure!
Yes, that's exactly what it's about, taking a gamble. It's the only way to know, and you can't know until you try. You just have to keep yourself thinking as clearly as possible because once emotions get in the way, logistics begin to go out the window. Emotions and logic never do play well together. Life would be easier if they did. Haha. But life is all about risk, and even if things go badly, at least you can learn. And learning is always great.
I'm glad you like the title! Thanks. I wasn't sure about it at first so I'm happy to know you find it fitting, yay.
Thank you for saying skepticism is a sign of good character. I really appreciate you seeing it that way. I think it's a good thing too for the most part because realism is so very important. Again it's the overdoing it that I think causes issue. But I guess at the end of the day, I just have to think of people who choose to be around me and have stuck by me. They went through it, understood and we got passed it. I suppose that is what it's about, acceptance. People either understand and deal, or they don't, so you move on. It just annoys me sometimes because of how strong it can be at times and I don't want to subject anyone to the hassle of working with such complexities. But each individual has choice, I guess...
I'm glad I've been able to fill your head with thought and given you things to consider, that's awesome. This has been an interesting discussion for sure!
30th Jul 2014 1:34pm
Anonymous
- Edited 16th May 2018 3:35pm
2nd Aug 2014 7:54am
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2nd Aug 2014 9:32am