Erotica: a Fucked Up Situation

This poem is about a situation
so fucked up, I might as well
place it under erotic.

You want me again.

You hurt me a hundred
times over and over again.
There are still pieces of
shrapnel left in my chest,
where my heart used to be.

I mean, when you told me
you had actually feelings
for me now, I've become so
faint and dizzy I took a bath
because i thought I may fall
in the shower, the way I
have always been falling for
you.

Look, I don't need the truth.
I don't want it. I want a cup
of your lies every morning
beside my breakfast, every day
for the rest of my life, and
'till my death once you finally
realize I'm a gross piece of
worthless trash and depart.

The worst part is, you have a
girlfriend right now. You told
me you and her have only been
together since July 3rd.

I know you don't care if she
gets hurt. Or me, for that
matter.

But I love you.

I also care about the other
girl in your life, who you
claim doesn't matter but I want
so badly for her to be happy.
I want for her to open her eyes
and see you as you are and walk
away, laughing at herself for ever
liking you.

Instead, she'll blame herself. Not
being pretty enough. Weighing too
much. That, or she'll blame me. And
she'll be right. But neither of us
would blame him.

The thing is, I've loved him since
I was fourteen years old. She
probably met him only a small while
ago and I kind of hope he picks her
over me and saves me the heartache.

But I know that if he picked me there's
no way I'd refuse. I'd rather suffer
the kinds of pain no one needs to feel
than to have him forget that I will
always be an option.

I'm okay with even being the 18th
choice, as long as I'm on his
fucking list.

But I loved him when he was short,
scrawny, and sad. I loved him with
his girl hair, and stick-thin legs.
I loved him when no one else did.

But, now that he's gorgeous and all
the girls want him, I'm still just
ecstatic to almost have a shot.
I would so be his if he asked. I'd
also just be okay with waiting.
Forever, if he asked.

I really am pathetic.