6/7/14 (want to remember every detail of this day)

(This poem is not really meant for anything except just helping me
to remember things that I might otherwise forget. It's not
supposed to be entertaining or interesting. I also basically just wrote this with zero editing, I just typed the words buzzing through my skull. I do actually know how to write. Sorry.)

Woke up at like 5:30.
I took my SAT's today.
They were so long, but easy.
Alison and I went out to
eat and went back to her
house. Talking. Laughing.
I was honest with her about
how much of a shitty friend
she is and she blamed ME for
it. Of course. Got gas.
Well, it took a while because at
first I accidentally took the
road to my house and turned in
my culdesac and then went to
the gas station and their was a
problem with the card they gave me.
Went home and got a different card.
Same thing. Talked to cashier and
everything was fixed. Went home to
return credit card and mom bitches
at me for a while. Back to Alison's.

Told them I flipped off my mom to
seem badass when I would so DIE if
I ever did that. Went to Alison's
room for a while. Get juice.
Played wii sports. I was much
better than I thought I would be.
I got to make my own mii. Dinner was
ready. There was a Stoner. He wanted
to go eat outside but so did Alison
so all teenagers went out there ('cept
Claire. Though she's technically a teen,
she's not a teenager). Had a great
conversation. Talking. Laughing. I
said something about crying and we
made it some sort of competition to
see who could fake cry. Stoner succeeded
first, and the second time he was also
able to cry. Alison and I both tried
but couldn't do it because we kept
laughing. We must have sat there and
talked and laughed for a very long
time until dinner was over and oh my
god his fucking CHEEKBONES and his
SKIN and I wanted to die but also his
EYELASHES and fucking everything. I saw
his partially exposed fucking perfect
stomach when he stretched and wiped the
tears off his face. I felt like such
a little giggly teen girl.

More apple juice drinking at dinner.
Alison went in first and Stoner and I
were just kind of standing there and I
told him that at some point I had a
really long thing I needed to tell him
that involved, I think I said,
"everything that happened with Alex."
He said okay and Alison quickly came
back outside to the weird tent-
thing that they have outside around
their table. Alison talked about
going to the mall. Stoner asked
(hard to tell whether or not he'd
been kidding by the way he said it)
if he could come and Alison just
ignored it.

Oh, and I hardly ate at dinner. He
always closes up my appetite when
I'm around him and I was too busy
talking to even think about food.
I mean, I had gone out to Cactus
Jacks earlier that day and had a
shit-ton of food.

Anyways, I had put my juice down and
didn't really want it very much
anyway and he asked for the rest
(not much) and I said yes. Alison
basically decided we were going to
the mall. She packed up her
things and told Stoner to tell mom
that she'd do her dishes later. I
also called Jacob and told him to
tell mom what I was doing.

Went to the mall. Bought a dildo
and some candy. Dropped her off
at her house and went home. The candy
was juicy-drop-pops and it was to
put on Alex's cake. Alison used the
money her mom had given her to help
pay for our (fucking EXPENSIVE) lunch
to buy the things and promised she'd
give me the money at some other
point. There was a button at Spencer's
that said "I eat pussy like a fat kid
eats cake" and it made me laugh really
hard.

Went home. Started working on talk for
church tomorrow and got distracted by
poetry.

Oh, and also, when I was complaining about
being in a religious family and he said
that the last time he was at a church
that he got dumped.

Stoner had two different stories about
why he could fake cry. He said he had
some friend drama and some friend was,
I think he said "raped with a gun" by
her dad or something. Don't think I
really believe him. He also said it
helped him to cry about the fact that
his girlfriend and him just broke up
that day. Didn't say who broke up
with who. I hope he didn't say that
to just do the half-flirting thing
we've done for years, really.

He also said he currently has a 7
in Geometry and is taking summer
school but Haley will be there
(I think she was the girlfriend he
had when he was at the bowling alley
at Alison's birthday).

He also was talking about how
Selena Gomez is apparently
pregnant with Justin Biber's
child. Oh, and how the guy
from "Warm Bodies" the zombie
movie isn't actually attractive.

I guess this is how I'm ending this
poem. Just, me being stupid. At least
I did tell him that I wanted to talk
at some point and he seemed totally
okay with that. I just want to tell
him everything. I want him to know
everything. I wanna tear myself open
and make him understand. That doesn't
mean I think he'd ever choose me over
all the other pretty girls.
I'm not that stupid.

I don't even know what made today
so great. Seeing him? Is that really
it? This bullshit disillusionment-type
love is fucking enough and my heart
needs to shut up. Maybe I'll get
closure. I hope so. I really just need
this part of my life to be over. That,
or, maybe I want him to have some
impossible change of heart where he
loves me and everything suddenly
becomes my
Happily
Ever
After.

But that's not going to happen.
I haven't got a fucking chance.
I wish I could say that I want
to tell him all the stuff for
the sake of closure, but I know
that simply isn't true. And I
hate myself for it.

I genuinely feel about fourteen
as i write this. I hate that
feeling. I'm going to be eighteen
in two months. Maturity ought to
mean independence, right? yet,
I am still very much stuck. I
haven't moved on. I barely
moved at all. All I've ever
done is allowed myself to get
drunk off sex and call it love
and try so hard to forget forget
forget when I know I can't.

I need a permanent solution.
Either, I need him and myself
talking at some point to finally
bring an end to the madness, or
just some sort of answer. I won't
let myself be stuck anymore.