Daddy Issues (Final Re-write)

 
While lying in bed with another new lover
Who in the morning I won’t remember,
Why after asking her to choke me
Does she tell me I have issues with daddy?
If in the morning I’m quietly vanishing from
The fourth bed this week containing the body
Of a woman whose name’s always irrelevant,
Why is that the fault of my father?
When I moan after she scratched me ‘till I bled,
After she bites my neck like a vampire never
Intending to suck my blood or when I say,
“Baby, I’d like it if you pulled my hair.”
Why is it “daddy” who must be blamed?
How’d he cause my anger, my insecurities
Or my fear of that scale screaming 100 at me?
Why not pass the blame to who’s deserving?
Give the blame to a man who at only 7 years old
Taught me just how cruel the world could be.
If someone’s to blame for the nights I’ve cried
While destroying the veins that kept me alive
Then it should be — him.
But
Sometimes I wonder if we should convict
Anyone for a crime which I silenced
Because, maybe it’s me
Who’s at fault for staying quiet?
Maybe if I’d gone to school the next day,
Told my 2nd grade math teacher about the
Man in the garage with the ginger hair
And the freckles I daydreamed of carving
Off his face with a switchblade, told her
How he’d taken my innocence away, maybe
My home could have been a safe place and
He wouldn’t have taken so much from me
Maybe the next time I drop ten pounds,
They won’t blame it on— daddy.  
But it’s now been 12 years since  
That last time that garage floor covered
My whole body in goose bumps
And while I’m waiting for the right time
To ask my lover to put her hands
   Around my throat,
I wonder if she’ll blame my father or
The monster I spent too many years of  
My childhood running from?
Sometimes I think of that little girl
He chased after I was long gone..
I’m sorry I kept it quiet all those years
For not cutting off those greasy hands,
Not saving her innocence when I had the chance
I’m sorry, wish I could take my silence back
It’s my fault, I should have saved you,
I should have tried to save us both.