dripping to fill the cup of regret

I wake up, eye lids open. ‘Thing’s everywhere….what is this…..oh yeah I remember, it’s the same shit every day, the fucking shity’. As I walk out to my half ass painted porch I realize where I want to be is somewhere I can’t see. The building’s on every corner watching over you, standing in the way of the soothing sunlight. It’s hard to imagine where I want to be if I can’t fucking see what I’m doing. It’s like walking into a cave without a fucking light. I then stare at the floor, remembering what I wanted most. She was there in my mind, relaxing me, just so soothing as she walked around giggling so innocently. No one could every take her place in my heart. I’ll still remember the day’s I spent holding her in my arms, kissing her neck and running my hands through her long black hair.

I can’t imagine what she looks like now, probably worse. I would only hope so, I mean I don’t want her to look hideous. I definitely wanted to be better off so I would only wish she was doing worse than me, just ever so slightly. I mean It wasn't bad back then but I just want to be happier. I mean I definitely was happier then I was back then. At least I thought I was. When she would yell at me, raising her voice. That tone in her voice so fucking angry, loud and unnecessary making me raise my voice at her.  

I just remember thinking to myself ‘I can do this, it should be easy. She’s beautiful, funny, crazy, small and large at heart. She’s everything I wanted and more’. Then after a few months thing began to go sour. It began as bickering occasionally, then we started to argue daily. Fighting for the stupidest reason’s, she never truly trusted me around her sister and I never understood why. Could have been because of how big of a slut her sister was. I mean it wasn't my fault at all, how was I to blame for how many men her sister slept with. I just knew it wasn't me and I wish she would have believed and understood that also.  
◾It’s been quite some time since we split, almost seems like the blink of an eye. Watching the future come onto us like an under aged girl after half a mike’s. But only to dwell in what’s left us, regretting every waking moment we lay our mistake driven hands on our future lives. Like one eye blinking after another, one slower than the other. The right eye, seeing everything right in front of us and the left eye….well you guessed it, the left eye seeing everything that’s left us.

It wasn't always bad, I do remember the great times we had. Kissing her warm coffee lips, and smelling her nicotine filled hair. Running my finger’s over her spine as every one of her hairs stood straight up in attempt to possibly wrap itself around my finger tip to grab a hold of me ever so slightly. Her back as almost infested by goose bumps. What’s that noise? Almost like water drops from a faucet hitting a half full kitchen sink before you rid it of all it’s impurities. Oh yeah I completely forgot about that, it shouldn't be much longer. As I start to slowly close my eyes for some final shut eye, I hear this annoying ringing noise. Ringing and ringing repeating itself, almost as if it were some sort of cry for help. Then as I came back to I finally realize what it was, that god damn phone again. I’ll just wait for it to finally stop ringing…..common you son of a bitch…..just fucking hang up……Finally some piece and quiet, maybe I can finally get the rest my mind was so dying to get a hold of……there it goes again…..  

I slowly stand up and realize my anger as I start to pick up speed and planting my feet on the floor like a judge hitting his mallet attempting to get control over his angry court room. I finally make it to the phone, “hello?” I say slowly and low toned, so this person could think that maybe possibly they had called at the worst possible time in my life. “Hi….” Said the voice, soothing clear and sad. It was her, I couldn't believe it! What did I do different now that could have possibly made her call me back after all these years. I didn't want to seem desperate in anyway or give the illusion that I was happy. “Oh hey….” I finally replied.

“Look I’m really sorry about what happened between us, we've both made mistakes and I think it’s time we forgive each other” she said in a quick high pitched voice. Oh please how the fuck did I do anything wrong, at least I wasn't accusing her of cheating on me with one of my siblings. “It’s fine….shit happens and life goes on…..well at least for some of us” I replied. “Look I know we had our differences but don’t you remember how happy we used to be, remember the time we kissed underneath the willow tree trying to hide from my parents?” she said ever so silently.  
◾“I remember that day, I remember because it was one of the first time’s I made love to you outside. I couldn't believe how close we came to getting caught almost thinking that maybe we couldn't be seen underneath the vines of the willow tree”. I start to hear that annoying sound again, like someone just fucking left that damn faucet on after pouring themselves a cup of damn regret. “Look I just wanted to call and tell you I love you, I miss you and everything we used to be. Life’s been such a drag recently and I couldn't wish for anything more then to die by your side. I love you and I hope you enjoy every waking moment of your life without me” she said in a very fast paced tone.  

“What’s wrong? You sound worried” I asked. “It’s nothing, just missing you and wishing everything is fine. We may be hundreds of miles away from each other but there isn't a single day I spend without you running through my mind. Look we all make mistakes and sometimes the mistakes we make can’t be undone, I only hope that after all the heartache’s and everything that’ll happen you can forgive me?” she responded. I could only imagine what she had probably done to herself, maybe this was a cry for help who knew, but I knew that I didn't have much time. “Look I’m going to call the police OK, just be patient. They will be there to help you OK?” I asked in a worried tone.  

“I’m so sorry…..I didn't know how to ask for help. I love you, and now I know that everything can go back to normal. I’m going to call police myself, I’ll get the help I need and promise me you’ll wait for me? Promise me thing’s will go back to how they used to be?” she asked. “I don’t know how thing’s will be then but I do know the now, and right now it isn't time for games. I love you to death and right now isn't time to be asking so many questions….”  

She hung up on me……what the fuck did I say? Maybe I came on to angry, I try calling her back….The lines busy, she must be calling the police. I could only hope that the line free’s up or she calls me back. I’m starting to feel woozy, my legs shaking almost as if I've lost control of my muscles. There’s that annoying ringing sound again….oh yeah the phone. “Hello?!” I answer. “They’re on their way, but forget them. I want to know how the city has been treating you?” she asked every so innocently. “It’s dark, and cold. The life here is nothing like the country, I Remember being able to see the distance I wanted to walk. I could see the store in the horizon and watch as it came closer and closer with each step, here the sky is covered in buildings. Makes it really hard to realize how far and long you've walked since you can’t see where you’re going”.  

“Well in the country things never change, that’s why I miss you so damn much. I miss what we were and I want what you've become, I’m sure it’s something different. Look you sound tired and the police sirens coming closer, I love you and I’ll talk to you once I've been released from the hospital.” She say’s in a calming voice.  

I respond with what would be my last words as the drain finally releases the last of what was running threw the faucet “In the city we don’t have time to sleep, everything will pass you by if you do”. “You could fall asleep for month’s here and not miss a thing, except for you. I love you” she replied. I finally reached it, to tired to speak and to fucked to care. I hung up the phone and life passed me…