deepundergroundpoetry.com
Grow Up
He says that I have to grow up.
That I'm twenty years old.
That I can't let my mother control my life.
But it's hard. . .
Especially now that she's the only one I have left.
My father. . .
My grandparents. . .
They're all gone.
Now she's the only one I have left.
Even though she's the one that was always leaving me.
Now she's the only one that left.
Everyone else is gone.
I have a boyfriend and a son.
But still. . .
It's hard to move on.
It's hard to grow up.
Especially when I'm stuck inside of this house.
Inside of this town-- With no way out.
Too many fears.
And not enough gut to take the jump.
A fear of driving that stops me from obtaining a license.
A fear of people that stops me from getting a job.
I'm too sensitive, my books will never sell.
I'll never publish anything-- Not in this lifetime.
The only money coming is the SSI check that comes every month.
For disorders that no one will believe I have.
Or believe I should be getting money for having.
He tells me to grow up.
To move on from my mother.
My past.
My problems.
Move on from it all.
And grow up.
I'm twenty years old.
Daddy's gone.
Grandma and Grand-dad aren't here anymore.
When I was a little Mom use to say I had selective hearing.
Didn't hear her say when I had to clean my room.
But if we were going to the park and I was on the other side of the house-- I'd hear that.
Nowadays it feels like my mother has selective caring.
She cares when it suits her.
But if there is something more important.
She'll ask now and care later.
It's hard to move on from this place. . .
The place that I'm stuck in, with no way of escape.
A mother that will push my disorders until I break.
And then she'll leave the moment that I strike back.
The moment I retaliate to her cruel words with my iron fists.
She's ready to leave.
Runaway again.
Leave me alone.
And I'm back at the train station.
And I'm ten years old again.
And she's getting on the train to go visit an old "friend".
And I'm crying, and begging her not to leave me alone.
She was my best friend, as well as my mom.
But she says she's sorry and that she has to go.
And Grand-dad's taking me by the hand.
And leading me out of the train station.
Except Grand-dad's not here anymore.
And the train station is a cold place.
With only a one way ticket in my hand.
Leave and be stuck in this rut forever.
Or get on and visit a different land.
Move on from this broken frame of mind.
That my mother stuck me in.
Or grow up and face reality for the first time in a long time.
What would happen if she didn't get a chance to leave?
If one day I left her instead.
Walked down the aisle wearing white.
Became someone else and started a new life.
Where would she be then?
When she had no one to leave?
Because the only one she ever could leave, was me.
But if I left her, for my boyfriend and son.
Went and discovered a brand new life.
Maybe made a name for myself.
What would she do?
What could she gain?
If she couldn't leave me anymore?
And the mistakes she made, she only had herself to blame.
For being alone.
Without anyone, including the daughter she took from granted often.
What would she do?
If I left her before she even had a chance to leave.
What would she do without that power over me?
Maybe it's time. . .
I'm twenty years old.
They're all gone but one.
I have a man who loves me.
And together we have a son.
Maybe one day I make a name for myself.
One day walk down the aisle and become someone else.
Maybe it's time. . .
Time I grow up.
That I'm twenty years old.
That I can't let my mother control my life.
But it's hard. . .
Especially now that she's the only one I have left.
My father. . .
My grandparents. . .
They're all gone.
Now she's the only one I have left.
Even though she's the one that was always leaving me.
Now she's the only one that left.
Everyone else is gone.
I have a boyfriend and a son.
But still. . .
It's hard to move on.
It's hard to grow up.
Especially when I'm stuck inside of this house.
Inside of this town-- With no way out.
Too many fears.
And not enough gut to take the jump.
A fear of driving that stops me from obtaining a license.
A fear of people that stops me from getting a job.
I'm too sensitive, my books will never sell.
I'll never publish anything-- Not in this lifetime.
The only money coming is the SSI check that comes every month.
For disorders that no one will believe I have.
Or believe I should be getting money for having.
He tells me to grow up.
To move on from my mother.
My past.
My problems.
Move on from it all.
And grow up.
I'm twenty years old.
Daddy's gone.
Grandma and Grand-dad aren't here anymore.
When I was a little Mom use to say I had selective hearing.
Didn't hear her say when I had to clean my room.
But if we were going to the park and I was on the other side of the house-- I'd hear that.
Nowadays it feels like my mother has selective caring.
She cares when it suits her.
But if there is something more important.
She'll ask now and care later.
It's hard to move on from this place. . .
The place that I'm stuck in, with no way of escape.
A mother that will push my disorders until I break.
And then she'll leave the moment that I strike back.
The moment I retaliate to her cruel words with my iron fists.
She's ready to leave.
Runaway again.
Leave me alone.
And I'm back at the train station.
And I'm ten years old again.
And she's getting on the train to go visit an old "friend".
And I'm crying, and begging her not to leave me alone.
She was my best friend, as well as my mom.
But she says she's sorry and that she has to go.
And Grand-dad's taking me by the hand.
And leading me out of the train station.
Except Grand-dad's not here anymore.
And the train station is a cold place.
With only a one way ticket in my hand.
Leave and be stuck in this rut forever.
Or get on and visit a different land.
Move on from this broken frame of mind.
That my mother stuck me in.
Or grow up and face reality for the first time in a long time.
What would happen if she didn't get a chance to leave?
If one day I left her instead.
Walked down the aisle wearing white.
Became someone else and started a new life.
Where would she be then?
When she had no one to leave?
Because the only one she ever could leave, was me.
But if I left her, for my boyfriend and son.
Went and discovered a brand new life.
Maybe made a name for myself.
What would she do?
What could she gain?
If she couldn't leave me anymore?
And the mistakes she made, she only had herself to blame.
For being alone.
Without anyone, including the daughter she took from granted often.
What would she do?
If I left her before she even had a chance to leave.
What would she do without that power over me?
Maybe it's time. . .
I'm twenty years old.
They're all gone but one.
I have a man who loves me.
And together we have a son.
Maybe one day I make a name for myself.
One day walk down the aisle and become someone else.
Maybe it's time. . .
Time I grow up.
Published 5th Jun 2014
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5th Jun 2014 11:28pm
I don't know about
growing up, the you in this poem
has suffered enough loss
to last anyone a life time, which
I think is what growing up
seems to consist of...
I wouldn't wish you grow up,
I'd wish you good luck...
a beautifully written piece,
anyway...
growing up, the you in this poem
has suffered enough loss
to last anyone a life time, which
I think is what growing up
seems to consist of...
I wouldn't wish you grow up,
I'd wish you good luck...
a beautifully written piece,
anyway...
6th Jun 2014 7:54am
A very telling piece
Written with raw intensity and dis harming honesty.
Life deals you cards,
Life give you choices
Each day is new opportunity to discover who you areand who you can be
Nothing is fixed in stone
Dare to dream and see that imposter of doubt for what it is
a mere shadow
Written with raw intensity and dis harming honesty.
Life deals you cards,
Life give you choices
Each day is new opportunity to discover who you areand who you can be
Nothing is fixed in stone
Dare to dream and see that imposter of doubt for what it is
a mere shadow
