Urges

The urge is back. I want it. I needed. The sweet relieve of the blade, my trusty and loyal friend. For so long I denied the urges for it. I excepted the fact that couldn't have it and make those around me happy. I took the blades and put them in a box and locked them away. Thinking the phrase "out of sight out of mind" could possibly work. Some days it did some days it didn't. It seemed to always be their, sitting in the back of my mind waiting for  my weakest moment to come back and take over. Well that moment has come and its now my decision to make....finally give in and feel my sweet release or please those around me and suffer. I am so done caring what other people think! I grab the box from its hiding place and throw it against the wall and watch it shatter. I hear the soft clinks as the blades hit the floor. Just hearing the sound is enough to make me feel a bit better. Seeing them knowing I have them and their my secret helps, but today I need more than that I need my full release. I pick the smallest blade up and look at it wondering how something so small could have such a huge impact in my life...pulling my sleeve up I place the blade on my arm and let it travel down. The rush I get is more than the last one I had and it feels indescribable. I know I won't always need this, but for now I do and I will keep it my little secret. My friend is also my deadly secret to keep.