Depression

Personal freedom is mine for the taking-
So speaks the ODAAT.
Free within my self - to be myself.
But who am I? Really?
What is the reality I crave?
From where does reality derive?
 
For years I have been:
    the provider - the protector
    the fixer - the manager
    the lover - the husband
    the father - the consoler
    the peace maker
    to or for someone else!

Always in fear:
    of being wrong or offensive
    rejected - abused
    for being "me" - for not being "me"
    as "they" expected - as I demanded.
 
Fearing that fear as it eats at my gut
    as it feeds upon the emotions
    I have forever stuffed -
    never to be vomited to freedom,
    exploding the myth of My freedom.
 
Is this Reality?
               Is this all there is to life?
 
I don't know who I am.
I only know who I am not.
 
If I had to define "me", it would be as
    the Supreme Actor, the shadow that does
    what has to - should - needs to be done
    without allowing
    the -putrefying conflict within
    to seep out - become apparent -
    belittling self in "their" eyes.
 
"Personal freedom is mine for the taking-"
I don't even know where to begin the taking!
 
This is my Reality -
    I am surrounded by many
    Loved by few
    and the least encountered
    Strangers
    are serenity and Joy.
 
And this is my Finality-
    only in Death will I find
    True Life,
    Only in Death will I find
    Freedom and Peace.