Just Rambling

So how do you sort things out this time Britt? 
Nothing makes sense anymore.
Or actually, maybe it all makes perfect sense…
Maybe I am just finally stumped…

I don’t even know where to start.
Love, life, health, emotions, fears, obsessions…
It has all started to run together now.
Am I in love?
Yes…with many different people, in many different ways.
Does love hurt?
Absolutely! It takes ahold of you, and you can never let it go.
 
It’s the unconditional love that hurts the most.
It is when you love somebody so much, and it doesn’t matter what that person does, nothing can change it.
What do you do when you they don’t love you back?
Are you supposed to walk away, or forget about it?
Of course not, because people that do that never really loved you in the first place.
Unconditional love is irreversible. There is no turning back.

Am I happy in life? That is a tedious question…
Happiness is derived from actions that bring smiles to your face…
Warmth to your heart.
My smiles, shall I say, come easier when acting.
I guess that’s the consequences of putting on a show your whole life.
You get so use to pretending…manipulating…
I’m not sure anymore when a smile of mine is genuine and of real satisfaction.

Am I in good Health?
I would know if I had the courage to find out.
But why should I?
I feel just fine, and I enjoy my perception I give off, so why would I want to convince my body that I am sick?
So I can start to FEEL sick then, too?

What about my emotions?
I bet a lot of people wonder why I think the way I do…
My emotions get the worst of me, as well as the best.
I do consider myself to be bi-polar.
It runs in the family, and I have been diagnosed in the past.
It plays a big part in who I’ve become am as a person.
To know me, and to understand me, you have to realize there are different sides of me.
Sometimes, I can be the most enjoyable person to be around.
I love to laugh, to make people laugh, to be the center of attention, to be crazy and obnoxious just because I can...
Other times, I feel so depressed that I wonder how I am going to make it.
I cry all the time, come up with new ways to vent because I am running out of ideas, and just want to be left alone to sort through my thoughts and sleep.

As for my fears, I am terrified of being alone.
I felt alone all growing up.
Looking back on it, the fact that my parents lied to me my whole life probably plays the biggest part.
I never got to know my mom.
That is something I will never be able to change.
I want a connection with somebody that I know will never hurt me.
That is something that is hard to find.

Obsessions: For me, is thinking I have found the perfect someone, or something that makes every difficult thing in life disappear…
Or at least makes everything easier to cope with.
I have been obsessed… to the point where I lost it all.
It was not what was right for me, but it gave me an inner happiness that served as a drug for me.
I needed it.
I craved it.
I have lived my whole life enduring a pain that is invisible to the naked eye because only those who can see into my soul know its true meaning.

Does anything I have said make sense?
I’m not sure, nor do I care.
I did not choose to write this for anyone’s leisure purposes…
I did it for me.
I wrote it to vent.
I wrote it because the person who knows what it all means,
The person who makes everything that hurts disappear…
Never cared at all.