An Unsent Letter

Often sometimes I wish you decided to love us and leave us.
You weren't strong enough not to deride and deceive us.
Is what we've become prestigious? Veritas Libris I can't believe this.
Is it worth the religious pedantics?
Can your internal witness justify the frequency of inconsistency of your imbecilic semantics?  
I know old dogs don't have to learn new tricks.
Fortunately now I've got brand new antipsychotics and escalating and ever changing combinations of antidepressants.
I know you had to deal with all the same old pissants.
Sick little child always weak but now I take these pills,
A stupid lazy freak making excuses like mentally ill.
God love you, no one else will - all that swill.
I was clean enough to squeak, still I had to foot the bill for the hell you held.
I climbed every hill you put in my way crushed in case my head swelled but hey.
I know you dealt with the same.
Infant son with generations of rage to tame left lame by mind games.
Saved only by defiance, what an existence: common ambivalence, I'm convinced I required a substance: a pill or a weed, there's something I need.
I'd plead for my own life to lead.  A disenfranchised seed.
Impotent voice of dissent, a subversive irreverent element savaged by reticence.
You're a malcontent.  Uh oh.  Better find where that dictionary went
Got some advice for me?  You really think it's worth two cents?
Do you do what you do for what you want others to see?
I do what I do to be who I want to be.
32 and I feel like such a fucking baby.
How can I ever hope to keep a lady?
Good thing I don't have to now.  Would you be real proud?
If I'd found my place in life?  If I made some man a real good wife?
That's what you said and all that seek the truth and get set free was a fallacy to deflect my heresy and protect you from my patricidal fantasies but I can't forget what I had to hear and see.
It tears at me.
I swing and flail but could never help but fail to withstand your capacity to dement.
I'm seeking the brass ring, hunting down a white whale while I'm stuck in cement.
I tried not to be so second rate.
I wish it wasn't all too little too late.
But if that was your best then hail.
This is only an attack as much as it is a lament.