deepundergroundpoetry.com
Sundae Afternoon (a Gay Day)
You spill your coffee just a little
It's okay
Towel in hand I bend to clean the drops
Little beads sprawled across the hardwood floor
Pearls of cafe caramel across a deep cherry lake
Your hand on my ass as I bend over
That's okay too
Tossing the rag aside I turn on you
And pin you down into the cherry sea
Your lips taste like caramel
Down I go
You are the vanilla to this sundae delight
On the floor
My cocks grinds past yours blue denim angst
Your jeans are tight
Let's add more fruit to this dessert
If that's okay
I free your banana from its zippered domain
Lickety split
Suck it
Sweet
Your intensity fills my mouth
You're mine until
Your eyes want more
Than just 'okay'
And my jeans are an oppressive restraint
Peeling off our clothes we both spring free
Let's add some nuts to our delicious dish
I want to serve you
I roll your balls through my fingers the way I know you like
Husky heady sweet sexy smell
You want to spoon a little
That's more than okay by me
Your swizzle stick slicks my back with a musk that's all you
Branded
Relieved
Your cock sticks through my legs and rubs past my nuts
Two is far better than one don't you think
But you've some other plans I know
Your hand acts gentle but I know better as you split my cheeks
You thrust yourself inside
I arch my back instantly and draw a breath through gritted teeth
"Are you okay"
You ask
Of course I am don't stop
You know I'm weak like this
Just give it to me don't make me wait
My desire is achingly deep so hurry reach it
No care
No remorse
Take me burn me use me
Faster faster
Faster
Now
You pull out and hold be down
"Okay I'm going to cum" you warn
I'm ready for your sticky sauce
Don't hold back spread it thick on me
I'll bet you grin as you watch your whipped cream
Squirt across the ridges of my spine
Hot
Melting
I pump my sticky saucy seed
Sweet secretions across the floor
You fall on top my messy back
"Okay, now what" I say
I move to grab the towel to wipe the milky sheen from the wood
But you pull me back and kiss my neck
"I love you" whispered in my ear
My chest swells
"I love you more"
My sundae afternoon delight.
It's okay
Towel in hand I bend to clean the drops
Little beads sprawled across the hardwood floor
Pearls of cafe caramel across a deep cherry lake
Your hand on my ass as I bend over
That's okay too
Tossing the rag aside I turn on you
And pin you down into the cherry sea
Your lips taste like caramel
Down I go
You are the vanilla to this sundae delight
On the floor
My cocks grinds past yours blue denim angst
Your jeans are tight
Let's add more fruit to this dessert
If that's okay
I free your banana from its zippered domain
Lickety split
Suck it
Sweet
Your intensity fills my mouth
You're mine until
Your eyes want more
Than just 'okay'
And my jeans are an oppressive restraint
Peeling off our clothes we both spring free
Let's add some nuts to our delicious dish
I want to serve you
I roll your balls through my fingers the way I know you like
Husky heady sweet sexy smell
You want to spoon a little
That's more than okay by me
Your swizzle stick slicks my back with a musk that's all you
Branded
Relieved
Your cock sticks through my legs and rubs past my nuts
Two is far better than one don't you think
But you've some other plans I know
Your hand acts gentle but I know better as you split my cheeks
You thrust yourself inside
I arch my back instantly and draw a breath through gritted teeth
"Are you okay"
You ask
Of course I am don't stop
You know I'm weak like this
Just give it to me don't make me wait
My desire is achingly deep so hurry reach it
No care
No remorse
Take me burn me use me
Faster faster
Faster
Now
You pull out and hold be down
"Okay I'm going to cum" you warn
I'm ready for your sticky sauce
Don't hold back spread it thick on me
I'll bet you grin as you watch your whipped cream
Squirt across the ridges of my spine
Hot
Melting
I pump my sticky saucy seed
Sweet secretions across the floor
You fall on top my messy back
"Okay, now what" I say
I move to grab the towel to wipe the milky sheen from the wood
But you pull me back and kiss my neck
"I love you" whispered in my ear
My chest swells
"I love you more"
My sundae afternoon delight.
Published 2nd May 2014
| Edited 3rd May 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 7
reads 226
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Please feel free to leave honest critique with both the good and the bad.
If you see grammar or spelling issues, poor word choices, etc... Please let me know!
Also, I considered adding a chocolate reference...what do you think?
Respectfully,
Dragon
If you see grammar or spelling issues, poor word choices, etc... Please let me know!
Also, I considered adding a chocolate reference...what do you think?
Respectfully,
Dragon
4th May 2014 2:40am
Lol, 117 reads as of this post and not a single 'like'. Wrong niche or bad poem? Hmmm....
Anonymous
4th May 2014 3:45am
umm k, so to answer your second comment, those 118 reads are more likely than not non-members who are just trolling the site, perhaps a few members who read it and kept it moving. You will notice on DUP the 'erotic poems' receive high reads because, well, the world is horny. Moving on...
There are many members here down with the LGBT Community,and let's be honest, you've written a sexy piece that a lot of men and women can't handle; thus empty comments.
My critique: This read somewhat like an instructional for a love session.
First stanza ~ "It's okay" second stanza~"That's okay too", third stanza~ "If that's okay" Four stanza,” than that's okay"….. on and on and on<--- seemed useless and quite cheesy in narrative response. Also, too many you(s) your(s) and I(s). I think if you removed a few of them it would flow easier.
‘Let's add some nuts to our delicious dish
I want to serve you
I roll your balls through my fingers the way I know you like.’
Maybe: ‘Let's add some nuts to our delicious dish
serving you up,
rolling your balls through my fingers the way you like."
"Are you okay" <-- needs a question mark
"You pull out and hold be down"<--I think you meant 'me'. This stanza was also too talkative, a blurred image.
Over all, I admire this ink and the balls it took to ink it, very refreshing.
Welcome to DUP!
Pens Up~
There are many members here down with the LGBT Community,and let's be honest, you've written a sexy piece that a lot of men and women can't handle; thus empty comments.
My critique: This read somewhat like an instructional for a love session.
First stanza ~ "It's okay" second stanza~"That's okay too", third stanza~ "If that's okay" Four stanza,” than that's okay"….. on and on and on<--- seemed useless and quite cheesy in narrative response. Also, too many you(s) your(s) and I(s). I think if you removed a few of them it would flow easier.
‘Let's add some nuts to our delicious dish
I want to serve you
I roll your balls through my fingers the way I know you like.’
Maybe: ‘Let's add some nuts to our delicious dish
serving you up,
rolling your balls through my fingers the way you like."
"Are you okay" <-- needs a question mark
"You pull out and hold be down"<--I think you meant 'me'. This stanza was also too talkative, a blurred image.
Over all, I admire this ink and the balls it took to ink it, very refreshing.
Welcome to DUP!
Pens Up~
RainC, thank you for the great critique...
I like your suggestion with the "serving you up" and dropping "I know" from the following line, the fact the main character knows what his boyfriend likes is self-evident without it. Nice!
I agree that normally a question mark would go there after "Are you okay?" But there are two reasons, actually, that I chose not to: 1) I purposefully left out all punctuation until the end. (That was actually an auto-correct slip-up but I liked the finality it gave so I thought I'd keep it.) 2) I think of it as more of a rhetorical question, the character knows his partner is okay and enjoying it, so it isn't really a question.
Hopefully the lack of a question mark wasn't too grating...I know I can get jarred out of a piece sometimes when the punctuation is way off...
Thank you for catching the typo ("be" instead of "me")...and I think I agree with you on that line now that I read it. Imaybe it needs an extra adjective or something to make it seem less mechanical? 'll have to mull that over a bit.
The poem wasn't intended to be instructional...was it the present-tense that made it feel that way?
I like your suggestion with the "serving you up" and dropping "I know" from the following line, the fact the main character knows what his boyfriend likes is self-evident without it. Nice!
I agree that normally a question mark would go there after "Are you okay?" But there are two reasons, actually, that I chose not to: 1) I purposefully left out all punctuation until the end. (That was actually an auto-correct slip-up but I liked the finality it gave so I thought I'd keep it.) 2) I think of it as more of a rhetorical question, the character knows his partner is okay and enjoying it, so it isn't really a question.
Hopefully the lack of a question mark wasn't too grating...I know I can get jarred out of a piece sometimes when the punctuation is way off...
Thank you for catching the typo ("be" instead of "me")...and I think I agree with you on that line now that I read it. Imaybe it needs an extra adjective or something to make it seem less mechanical? 'll have to mull that over a bit.
The poem wasn't intended to be instructional...was it the present-tense that made it feel that way?
4th May 2014 4:11am
I forgot to mention...the ''okay" is a varied repetition style I chose...the "okay" consistently appears in the second line but has a different meaning and usage in each stanza. I'm not looking to change this style, but if you think I should re-word any given line, I'd be happy to hear any suggestions you might have!
Anonymous
- Edited 4th May 2014 4:36am
4th May 2014 4:35am
No honey, if it works for you then don't change it for me, because when you change your ink to satisfy someone else, it's no longer your thoughts, hence the reason I find positive things in poets work instead of critiquing, not knowing what the hell I'm talkin' about. o-O
The repetitious style just didn't flow for 'me' because it took the edge off the sexiness you were going for. You twisted it in every single stanza and it loss luster. Kinda' like you having a face-to-face chat with someone and every time they finish talking they end with, "you know what I mean?" that shit gets annoying.
As per my instructional comment, it derived from the you, your and I. (you spill coffee, I bend and clean, your hand on my ass, I bend over, I turn on you, I pin you down, your hands split my cheeks, you thrust yourself inside, I arch my back..etc....etc...)
....again, if some of those I, you and yours were missing, it wouldn't sound like play by play moves. Xo
The repetitious style just didn't flow for 'me' because it took the edge off the sexiness you were going for. You twisted it in every single stanza and it loss luster. Kinda' like you having a face-to-face chat with someone and every time they finish talking they end with, "you know what I mean?" that shit gets annoying.
As per my instructional comment, it derived from the you, your and I. (you spill coffee, I bend and clean, your hand on my ass, I bend over, I turn on you, I pin you down, your hands split my cheeks, you thrust yourself inside, I arch my back..etc....etc...)
....again, if some of those I, you and yours were missing, it wouldn't sound like play by play moves. Xo
4th May 2014 5:50am
You just gave me an idea...maybe this is instructional in a loose sense...
If I change the last the last word to "desire" instead of "delight," it appears to change the whole poem...
It will sound like one of two things (depending on the reader)...either that the character is daydreaming this, or that he is describing his fantasy to his lover (sort of like a set of instructions, if you will).
Something to consider...
Thanks again for the crit
If I change the last the last word to "desire" instead of "delight," it appears to change the whole poem...
It will sound like one of two things (depending on the reader)...either that the character is daydreaming this, or that he is describing his fantasy to his lover (sort of like a set of instructions, if you will).
Something to consider...
Thanks again for the crit