The Walls

Much thanks, Crim for your kind comment.
Love and respect,
Sir

This poem has excellent rhythm and a consistent meaning--perhaps bordering a little on redundancy--until the last line. At no point in the poem do I get the sense that you don't know what is real, the whole poem actually has the opressive, dim realization that you've discovered what is real and now you are dealing with it. The last line feels completely out of place, like you made it through every line with success until you reached the end and couldn't find a rhyming word that would keep the same cadence you've developed so well throughout the rest of the poem.

This is a very strong start and with a solid last line and a couple of tweaks and perhaps erasing some of the repeated 'crumbling walls' lines, you will have an awesome poem.

One caution though, you do have a lot of abstract words and phrases that are borderline cliche. It lends itself to something more people can relate to, but it's like a white t-shirt...more people will wear it, but who will fall passionately in love with it? If you add more description you will give a more poignant story about what you're dealing with and others will be able to relate to it more and develop more emotions about it.

Good luck! I hope this helped.

Thank you so much for the analysis. I have to say, that's the first real feedback I've received in awhile. Taking what you said into consideration, I plan to re-work and republish it in the near future. I hope t see more feedback like that on my work in the near future, as most of the comments I get feel like placation to me. Doesn't really help me to improve, you know?


Peace and love,
Sir

P.S. I really liked the line about the undertow, that was a very original phrase and it creates the sense of drowning, being constantly sucked under, and being panicked, all within that little line.

The poem is well though out. The scheme works well with your quick thoughts. I'll repeat part of what dragoninthesky said in that parts did seem a little cliche, mainly the second part of the third stanza. Great job however. Liked.

Thanks, glad you enjoyed it