i do

the veils flew violently down and in the stark contrast of being surrounded by nothing but myself i finally found peace. searching for love so many places outside of myself i always met with the end of lust or splendor or blissful moments of clandestine affairs maybe never meant for me. then one day i decided to marry myself. i decided that everything i craved when i thought someone else could complete me was buried in a place i had yet to explore deep inside. my wedding gift to myself was a shovel. what i've uprooted since was not always pleasant but it was always pleasing. striving to be a whole soul instead of a half soul seeking completion finally felt like a worthy cause. it can be lonely but loneliness has a different flavor when you have tasted the sweet center of truth which is actually a tiny particle of everyone. i see deeper into strangers eyes. i see deeper into my own and something different behind the eyes of former lovers lost to my own fear. i had perfection come knocking once and i slammed the door in their face. my mind still loops back to the what ifs of having let them inside but the reality is that someone as feral as me should never have wanted to be domesticated. maybe they had all sensed this even before i had wanted to admit it and in the long run did me a great service by walking away when i never could.
you offered me an umbrella-
so swell of ya,
but you already knew
what i needed to know
so you gave me a shove
back into the snow
it's funny how it all becomes so clear

only after
letting go.