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Is It Bad?
Is it bad I wonder?
That when I surrender to the arguements?
When my side is done.
Whether it has been lost or won.
That I hurt myself to stop--
The fighting.
The crying.
The yelling.
The screaming.
Is it bad that I rather hurt myself?
Than watch the people around me suffering for the mistakes I made?
Is it bad that the moment that I hurt myself, they stop blaming me and start blaming themselves instead?
Is it bad that the moment that I start to bleed the arguing stops and they love me again?
Is it bad to play on people's sympathy like that?
Is it bad to hurt myself to stop an arguement?
Is it bad that I hurt myself to stop myself from hurting them?
Is it bad that I feel a sick power over them, even if when I cut myself I'm not faking the pain and anger I feel at the time of the cut?
Is it bad that I just realized this right now?
Because my friend told me that hurting yourself is a temporary relief.
Is it bad that I'll probably hurt myself again.
Not calmly.
Or casually.
No, no, no.
I'll hurt myself in the moment, tears stained cheeks and lips cuts from my razored words that I've thrown at the ones I love.
That's when I'll do it again.
Because they'll be arguing over something I did, or said, or thought, or didn't mean to do but I did it anyway.
And then they're paying for my mistake again.
So I hurt myself.
And I make it all better.
I rip myself apart to keep my family whole.
So I was just wondering to anyone that's out there listening?
Is any of those things?
That I named up there--
Yeah is. . .
Is any of that bad?
Because I don't know what is anymore.
That when I surrender to the arguements?
When my side is done.
Whether it has been lost or won.
That I hurt myself to stop--
The fighting.
The crying.
The yelling.
The screaming.
Is it bad that I rather hurt myself?
Than watch the people around me suffering for the mistakes I made?
Is it bad that the moment that I hurt myself, they stop blaming me and start blaming themselves instead?
Is it bad that the moment that I start to bleed the arguing stops and they love me again?
Is it bad to play on people's sympathy like that?
Is it bad to hurt myself to stop an arguement?
Is it bad that I hurt myself to stop myself from hurting them?
Is it bad that I feel a sick power over them, even if when I cut myself I'm not faking the pain and anger I feel at the time of the cut?
Is it bad that I just realized this right now?
Because my friend told me that hurting yourself is a temporary relief.
Is it bad that I'll probably hurt myself again.
Not calmly.
Or casually.
No, no, no.
I'll hurt myself in the moment, tears stained cheeks and lips cuts from my razored words that I've thrown at the ones I love.
That's when I'll do it again.
Because they'll be arguing over something I did, or said, or thought, or didn't mean to do but I did it anyway.
And then they're paying for my mistake again.
So I hurt myself.
And I make it all better.
I rip myself apart to keep my family whole.
So I was just wondering to anyone that's out there listening?
Is any of those things?
That I named up there--
Yeah is. . .
Is any of that bad?
Because I don't know what is anymore.
Published 21st Apr 2014
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