Black Widow

Submitted in the competition Masochistic Angel

Ok, I can see where you're going with this, there are some nice sentiments in a dark sort of way. I think the best advice I can give here is if this were a painting there would be too much color, that's to say its very wordy ..why is 'very wordy' a bad thing if I'm writing ..using words? I hear you ask. well, it's not so much the amount of words, its more your word choice. you can say a hell of a lot in a few carefully chosen words. check out Opheliac and Ghoulie, their poems will help you to get a feel for a more precision based stanza, then apply that to your own style and see how you get on.

your first stanza is pretty good, given the tone of the competition you've entered it in, try not be repeating yourself so much, unless you're using it as a technique:

touch my scars with your lips
and I may let you relive the moments
we brought them to life

Kiss me black and blue
until you feel the rise and fall rhythm
of freed blood pulsing
from where your long nails dug in, severed skin
for what felt like an eternity.

so, basically, touch me with your lips is essentially the same as kiss me, you might agree that given the short space between the two on your stanza, it reads a little better.

'but you said first "too wordy" so why make kiss me into touch me with your lips ?  ..good question kid, this is where word choice comes in to counter repetition.

you've a whole bunch of tools and techniques that you can apply to your writing, play around a little bit and be sure to get some enjoyment and a sense of accomplishment when you've finished writing

you're poem is not a write off by any means, but I think if you applied the dame kind of selectiveness and word choice throughout the rest of it, it would improve the whole ambiance of it.

good stuff man, shine on  

Thank you, you are the first person to ever give that kind of advice, and I've been looking for that for a while. The repitition, is, in part, due to my technique.

In almost all of my work, I use anaphora the way a lot of people use rhyme: I've actually developed the poem into having an anaphora scheme.

This one is ABAB throughout the whole thing. I like to challenge myself this way.

That is not to say that I will not take your advice, however. Your advice is so very much appreciated.

"anaphora" I've never heard of that term or technique before, thanks for that, this part is all about learning. I feel a tad foolish now for not spotting the scheme and asking you about it. But it's all good

Amazing ink young guardian

Thankya. I like words like amazing. They mean more than words like "good" or "great" or "spinach". In case you can't tell, I'm pretty hyper today...

:)