going nowhere

i have recently discovered that i could work very hard or very little and it would ultimately be just the same. i could be notorious infamous or celebrated. i could be hated ostracized or alone. i could be friends with everyone or no one. i could write books or write with chalk on sidewalks or write ballads in my head and never tell a single soul. i could get a sex change or be asexual or bisexual or pansexual or celibate. i could have one career my whole life or be a jack of all trades and a king of none or i could be homeless. i could get married and i could get divorced. i could go to jail for the rest of my life or join the peace core. i could be a grandma with sixteen great grand children or i could be a widow or an old maid. i could drop out of art school and run away to the circus. i could run away to Quebec or France or Vancouver. i could find my soul mate. i could stop believing in love at first sight. i could stay in school forever. i could be a martyr. i could work pro bono. i could learn to play the accordion or finally pick up my guitar or smash it to pieces. i could start a nudist colony. i could be a fashion model. i could protest gmo's or war or create a bomb that shuts down all electronics. i could cure a disease or i could spread one. in the grand scheme of things none of it is important. i am not important. i simply am. and i have spent so much time trying to be good or useful or inspiring that i no longer know what i really truly want. the only thing i understand in this absurd world is that it is indeed absurd. what logic we wrestle from it is just as much an illusion as the things we tell ourselves to feel important or needed. the universe does not need us. we do not matter. but i do no say this in a nihilistic way. if none of it matters than what we have is pure liberation. do it. anything. don't stress out. don't calculate good or bad. just make sure its what you really want and give it to yourself each and every day. i think what i want is not to want anymore. just to have what is and to make the best of it. far too long my expectations have exceeded reality and indefinitely I have raised the bar only to once again surpass it. i always win. this is not the problem. i have just begun to wonder- what is the prize? i think that life is just life and i don't want to compete anymore. but after feeding the machine for so long- how do you unplug?