In the Land of Faraway…

Once upon a time a long time ago when the earth was young, there lived a princess in a tower. She has been exchanged for a beauty potion by her mother Queen Illona, at age One, to a Witch called Birch, whose name was always mispronounced.

After taking the potion, the Queen became an eternal beauty and the King never became unfaithful. Well, he couldn’t because if he became unfaithful he would divert back to his true form, a Frog. Needless to say, he was always exhausted because he was at the Queen’s kinky beck and call. She liked the way he flicked his tongue and leaped without looking. In days out of time, she used to get paid for her tricks, but now she was the Queen and had one willing performer to do her well.

Together they had 12 other beautiful daughters. These daughters, I must say, loved to frequent the local bar to dance all night. They inherited their mother’s good looks and their father’s froggy nimbleness.

Most often than not, they wore out their dancing shoes or lose them while frolicking with the many Prince Charmings on the dance floor. To their credit they frolicked in drive-ins and parks too. Sometimes they lose their knickers and stockings there, much to their maids’ chagrin.

As for the princess in the tower, who was called Rapunzel, by the way; she never spoke to anybody except for Witch Bitch…errr, Birch. They would play strip poker, where the Princess always seemed to lose her clothes no matter how many times she won. The witch would cackle evilly then and poked her all over.  She didn’t like the poking much, although she did feel fine with some of the Witch’s longer and slower prodding.

The witch loved to go away on vacations, and sometimes would stay away for many weeks, leaving Rapunzel lonely, and missing strip poker.

She always looked out from the one single window in the tower, just to listen to the distant birds. One day she saw a strange figure on a horseback and she knew immediately that it was someone just like her. She waved at the figure, calling out to it.

The figure waved back and got down from his horse, walked to the tower and started to climb. There was a good steel ladder embedded on the wall, well… how else did the witch climb down.

He stepped in through the window into the huge room that Rapunzel lived in. He was amazed at Rapunzel’s beauty but wondered about her hair. Well, not for the lack of trying but it was badly combed and not well cut. Shoulder length actually; she tried to grow them long but couldn’t stand the lice invasion, so she gave up.

Shampoo was so difficult to get, Birch was not really generous.
Anyway, the two young people gazed at each other in fascination. They talked long, and right into the night. They told each other their adventures and stories; well the young man whose name was Derrick did; Rapunzel had nothing to add except she played strip poker and sing, and listened to birds.

Done with stories, they decided to play what she liked best: strip poker. Having practiced almost every day of her life Rapunzel was better at it then Derrick, so he ended up without a stitch of cloth on him. Needless to say, she was curious as to why he looked different then her and in trepidation she took off all her clothes to count the dissimilarities.

They started to count together pointing and touching, until Derrick could not stand it any longer. So he took her up and sat her on a table and told her, he would count all of hers in a few good strokes. The strokes were many of course, and Rapunzel enjoyed it tremendously.

Despite being sore and quite swollen, she wanted more and so he obliged by allowing her to treat him like a spout. He did empty it into her swollen self though.

They both concurred that they could not stay in the tower forever so they decided to climb down and go into the world. It was still a wonder to her, but she sportingly got up behind Derrick on his horse and they galloped away. They went to live in a distant village, where Derrick worked as a smith, and shoe horses.

Actually the noble steed he rode on belonged to some gentry’s son, which he borrowed for the day.
He lived with Rapunzel happily ever after, raising seven children.

As for Witch Bitch…err Birch, she was so distraught by the disappearance of Rapunzel that she drank herself blind in the local tavern, thereby earning the name Lola; maybe because she liked the feathers in her hair.

Be that as it may, everybody lived happily ever after, even Thumper and Bambi, who were always hunted by Derrick for food


Ends

*Starring fairytales characters, Rapunzel, the 12 Dancing Princesses, The Frog Prince, Bambi and Ilona Staller*