deepundergroundpoetry.com
Pushing Daisies
I remember you sitting cross legged
pulling petals from daisies
chanting that old rhyme your mother taught you
and how your face lit
when the last petal told you what you'd wished for
then just to make sure
you'd pick another one and start over
I recall our first kiss
how we'd learned to breathe each other
so we could keep our lips touching longer
and how our hands moved
slow and nervous, almost afraid of ourselves
news always travelled quickly in our town
but nobody had a clue
what he'd been doing to you at night
not 'til you wrote it down
then took yourself away from it all
bled out, hung high, drip dried
they said you died with your eyes wide open
we'd promised each other our eternities
you looked into my eyes and lied
Christ, why couldn't you just tell me
confide, instead of running away from it all
it's such a damn tragedy
here's me, sitting cross legged
pulling petals off daises
chanting the old rhyme that your mother taught you
then tracing my fingers over the golden letters
etched into the cold marble
because the last petal says that you loved me
pulling petals from daisies
chanting that old rhyme your mother taught you
and how your face lit
when the last petal told you what you'd wished for
then just to make sure
you'd pick another one and start over
I recall our first kiss
how we'd learned to breathe each other
so we could keep our lips touching longer
and how our hands moved
slow and nervous, almost afraid of ourselves
news always travelled quickly in our town
but nobody had a clue
what he'd been doing to you at night
not 'til you wrote it down
then took yourself away from it all
bled out, hung high, drip dried
they said you died with your eyes wide open
we'd promised each other our eternities
you looked into my eyes and lied
Christ, why couldn't you just tell me
confide, instead of running away from it all
it's such a damn tragedy
here's me, sitting cross legged
pulling petals off daises
chanting the old rhyme that your mother taught you
then tracing my fingers over the golden letters
etched into the cold marble
because the last petal says that you loved me
Written by
lepperochan
(CraicDealer)
Published 1st Mar 2014
| Edited 21st Mar 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 25
reading list entries 6
comments 43
reads 288
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 15th Feb 2019 4:35pm
2nd Mar 2014 00:19am
<< post removed >>
![Anonymous](/images/avatars/_nopicmini.gif)
re: Re: Pushing Daisies
2nd Mar 2014 3:00am
Vee
I've changed it slightly from the entry in the comp since here there are no confines of rules.
I zapped that other said, god bless your eyes for that, cheers
thanks for your stopping by, your time and encouragement, much appreciated
I've changed it slightly from the entry in the comp since here there are no confines of rules.
I zapped that other said, god bless your eyes for that, cheers
thanks for your stopping by, your time and encouragement, much appreciated
Re: Pushing Daisies
2nd Mar 2014 2:32pm
Touching Write Lepp.!!!
Never sit idly by-Good luck in the comp. Sir!!!
Never sit idly by-Good luck in the comp. Sir!!!
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re: Re: Pushing Daisies
2nd Mar 2014 4:33pm
Anonymous
- Edited 15th Apr 2019 9:40pm
2nd Mar 2014 4:15pm
<< post removed >>
![Anonymous](/images/avatars/_nopicmini.gif)
re: Re: Pushing Daisies
2nd Mar 2014 4:37pm
Sorry 'bout the whole aching thing Crims, you're a sensitive ol' soul :) thank you much-ly for dropping in and leaving your foot print
Re: Pushing Daisies
2nd Mar 2014 5:39pm
Incredibly beautiful, thoughtful…thought provoking….
only edit I see is in the last stanza… taught instead of thought
this one touched me deeply….
only edit I see is in the last stanza… taught instead of thought
this one touched me deeply….
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re: Re: Pushing Daisies
2nd Mar 2014 6:16pm
Miss J
very happy to have touched you ..deeply :)
cheers for the edit, I got it right in the first stanza then rendered myself illiterate again in the last
thank you lots for visiting my humble scribing, and for your kind words
very happy to have touched you ..deeply :)
cheers for the edit, I got it right in the first stanza then rendered myself illiterate again in the last
thank you lots for visiting my humble scribing, and for your kind words
Re: Pushing Daisies
3rd Mar 2014 5:21am
Re: Pushing Daisies
3rd Mar 2014 6:10am
Spank you very much kind sir, and thanks for dropping by and leaving your thoughts, appreciated
Re: Pushing Daisies
3rd Mar 2014 10:28pm
Masterfully paced, brilliantly told, emotion told just so and a romance but not one swept away by that - but most of all you can feel the love
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re: Re: Pushing Daisies
4th Mar 2014 5:13pm
Whale
Thanks man, yeah I think the first second and last stanzas were easiest to jot down, I was trying to get a feeling across so I'm glad you were able to get some
cheers for dropping by and leaving your thoughts
Thanks man, yeah I think the first second and last stanzas were easiest to jot down, I was trying to get a feeling across so I'm glad you were able to get some
cheers for dropping by and leaving your thoughts
Re: Pushing Daisies
4th Mar 2014 4:20pm
Heartbreaking and beautiful, Eamonn. Terrific images such as , "then tracing my fingers
over the words etched into your headstone." And the poignant memories ring so true that the sadness of the loss really burrows into the soul. Awesome writing !
over the words etched into your headstone." And the poignant memories ring so true that the sadness of the loss really burrows into the soul. Awesome writing !
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re: Re: Pushing Daisies
4th Mar 2014 5:17pm
Cheers Tony, good to see you back
that line was one of the edits I made so I'm happy it's working. I was considering using granite or marble as a more subtle way of saying headstone, still might
thanks for the words and encouragement good sir
that line was one of the edits I made so I'm happy it's working. I was considering using granite or marble as a more subtle way of saying headstone, still might
thanks for the words and encouragement good sir
Re: Pushing Daisies
4th Mar 2014 4:45pm
This is one of those times when you can say, "if I can only turn back times," because the untimely demise of one's dearly beloved is really unbearable. It evokes so much love and pain, you can feel the author's deepest emotions!
Well done Craic!
/EngrVV
Well done Craic!
/EngrVV
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re: Re: Pushing Daisies
4th Mar 2014 5:30pm
Poetical Engineer
I agree, I expect all of us have some kind of turn back the clock moments that would translate into decent poetry. The narrator of this one is happy his feelings are being picked up
thank you most kindly good person for stopping by and leaving your thought print
I agree, I expect all of us have some kind of turn back the clock moments that would translate into decent poetry. The narrator of this one is happy his feelings are being picked up
thank you most kindly good person for stopping by and leaving your thought print
re: re: Re: Pushing Daisies
4th Mar 2014 7:01pm
Anonymous
- Edited 14th Nov 2018 6:35pm
4th Mar 2014 5:15pm
<< post removed >>
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re: Re: Pushing Daisies
4th Mar 2014 5:33pm
Magdalena
sorry 'bout the wrenching of the heart, much rather to have touched to deeply
thanks for your presence and words Miss, much appreciated
sorry 'bout the wrenching of the heart, much rather to have touched to deeply
thanks for your presence and words Miss, much appreciated
Anonymous
- Edited 14th Nov 2018 6:35pm
4th Mar 2014 7:36pm
<< post removed >>
![Anonymous](/images/avatars/_nopicmini.gif)
Re: Pushing Daisies
Anonymous
7th Mar 2014 2:10am
...a lump in my throat! <--and that's hard to do.
I could picture every detail you've inked. Vividly crafted, beautifully spilled...Xo
I could picture every detail you've inked. Vividly crafted, beautifully spilled...Xo
![Anonymous](/images/avatars/_nopicmini.gif)
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re: Re: Pushing Daisies
7th Mar 2014 3:03am
I dunno Miss C, I've always found that easy to do, it gives a certain gratification
delighted fo see your droplets here Rain and thank you for the kind words
delighted fo see your droplets here Rain and thank you for the kind words
Re: Pushing Daisies
7th Mar 2014 7:06am
Ten reading lists and counting, cuz you reach in and wrench the emotions of the reader, Craic. That can't be taught...
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re: Re: Pushing Daisies
7th Mar 2014 2:31pm
My place, every Wednesday from two to four, I'll teach you a thing or two :)
ah, it still surprises me how words can wrench, it happens to me so often here after reading offerings. so taught ..maybe not, learned or soaked up subconsciously ..maybe?
Cheers Ata, it's great to have your eyes, thoughts and encouragement consistently through the good stuff and the pure drivel
hat tip to ya
ah, it still surprises me how words can wrench, it happens to me so often here after reading offerings. so taught ..maybe not, learned or soaked up subconsciously ..maybe?
Cheers Ata, it's great to have your eyes, thoughts and encouragement consistently through the good stuff and the pure drivel
hat tip to ya
Anonymous
- Edited 8th Jan 2019 00:35am
8th Mar 2014 7:05pm
<< post removed >>
![Anonymous](/images/avatars/_nopicmini.gif)
re: Re: Pushing Daisies
8th Mar 2014 9:19pm
Miss Uma
ah, you're far too kind, but so honest that I have little choice but to let your words swell my head some more.
welcome back to the underground, very happy you've visited my humble scribings, and thank you for the time taken to lay down your thoughts
ah, you're far too kind, but so honest that I have little choice but to let your words swell my head some more.
welcome back to the underground, very happy you've visited my humble scribings, and thank you for the time taken to lay down your thoughts
Re: Pushing Daisies
18th Mar 2014 4:16pm
Ok, it's soft. It's so fucking soft, man. :) I suppose all poetry is an internal monologue, but this has an almost conversational quality to it. I'd cut off the word "time" from "night time" in stanza three, and 'til, as an abbreviation of "until" just needs one L.
In my opinion, the last three lines pulled it too far from reality. I'd love to see them deleted and just a single line added on the stanza before. Maybe something distinguishing the contrast of yours and her singing voices, but that's just my thoughts.
Really liked the hands being scared of ourselves. Wanted to read "scared of themselves", but that probably wouldn't fit well. Suppose there's that weirdness when you notice she's been abused and then there's the prior closeness in the poem. So the hands work in two contexts for me.
Pretty good writing for a full circle kinda thing. Some great thoughts in it.
In my opinion, the last three lines pulled it too far from reality. I'd love to see them deleted and just a single line added on the stanza before. Maybe something distinguishing the contrast of yours and her singing voices, but that's just my thoughts.
Really liked the hands being scared of ourselves. Wanted to read "scared of themselves", but that probably wouldn't fit well. Suppose there's that weirdness when you notice she's been abused and then there's the prior closeness in the poem. So the hands work in two contexts for me.
Pretty good writing for a full circle kinda thing. Some great thoughts in it.
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re: Re: Pushing Daisies
19th Mar 2014 2:19pm
Cheers man, I've zapped time on the third and fixed 'til. Had a feeling about the excess l but put my trust in the red line (or lack thereof) ..never trust red ..commies
there's every chance that scared of themselves would work, I s'pose in a way it would give more life to the whole hands image
Going back over the poem again, I think maybe you're right about the last three lines. my first instinct on re read was to cut the whole third stanza too
I agree that if I do cut the last stanza and maybe put an extra line on the one above it, it would bring the whole write onto a different level. I'll have a think about an alternate ending
it's been great to read your feedback, I wish you'd have chosen a more nickname friendly name, at first glance I thought it was onlywankingexists and that would have made it easy
Thanks again for dropping by and typing your thoughts down, appreciated much good sir
there's every chance that scared of themselves would work, I s'pose in a way it would give more life to the whole hands image
Going back over the poem again, I think maybe you're right about the last three lines. my first instinct on re read was to cut the whole third stanza too
I agree that if I do cut the last stanza and maybe put an extra line on the one above it, it would bring the whole write onto a different level. I'll have a think about an alternate ending
it's been great to read your feedback, I wish you'd have chosen a more nickname friendly name, at first glance I thought it was onlywankingexists and that would have made it easy
Thanks again for dropping by and typing your thoughts down, appreciated much good sir
re: re: Re: Pushing Daisies
19th Mar 2014 7:53pm
Haha, that should've been my name, because it's probably more true.
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Re: Pushing Daisies
21st Mar 2014 8:58pm
"they'd said you'd died" sat strangely for me personally; would have preferred "they said you died" The change from headstone to marble works.
I wrote a lot about this, really struck a chord. Have removed all that and will just say hey, you know this is fine work. A real emotional punch. And no surprise it comes from you; both for your technique as a writer and for what the subject says about you as a person. Cheers, CraicDealer
I wrote a lot about this, really struck a chord. Have removed all that and will just say hey, you know this is fine work. A real emotional punch. And no surprise it comes from you; both for your technique as a writer and for what the subject says about you as a person. Cheers, CraicDealer
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re: Re: Pushing Daisies
22nd Mar 2014 2:22am
Kaatho
I'm having tech difficulties replying to comments so I'll reply here
I've gone with your gut and changed the words mentioned. Looking at them now I think that the sitting wrong may have something to do with each word ending in d. d seems to be a bit of a flow stopper in that line, they almost act like a full stop.
If you're implying that I have a heart then I'll thank you not to be so slanderous
I'm happy to have struck a chord, its grand when that happens, and also happy that you've dropped in and left your thoughts
much appreciated missus
I'm having tech difficulties replying to comments so I'll reply here
I've gone with your gut and changed the words mentioned. Looking at them now I think that the sitting wrong may have something to do with each word ending in d. d seems to be a bit of a flow stopper in that line, they almost act like a full stop.
If you're implying that I have a heart then I'll thank you not to be so slanderous
I'm happy to have struck a chord, its grand when that happens, and also happy that you've dropped in and left your thoughts
much appreciated missus
Anonymous
- Edited 16th May 2018 1:38pm
22nd Mar 2014 2:11am
<< post removed >>
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re: Re: Pushing Daisies
22nd Mar 2014 2:26am
Quanawana
welcome to this place and thank you kindly for your visit and thoughts.
I checked out your weebly site, very impressive Miss, hat tip
welcome to this place and thank you kindly for your visit and thoughts.
I checked out your weebly site, very impressive Miss, hat tip
Re: Pushing Daisies
30th Mar 2014 2:06am
this is brutal, the way it murders the reader at the end. small towns w/ deplorable secrets. tremendous writing, beautiful in its assault...
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re: Re: Pushing Daisies
30th Mar 2014 11:25am
John
thanks, man. I plead the fifth about murdering readers, maybe corralled them to the edge of a cliff ..if they jumped there's no blood on my hands.
I get what you mean, and thank you for dropping in and taking the time to lay down your thoughts.
much appreciated
thanks, man. I plead the fifth about murdering readers, maybe corralled them to the edge of a cliff ..if they jumped there's no blood on my hands.
I get what you mean, and thank you for dropping in and taking the time to lay down your thoughts.
much appreciated
re: Re: Pushing Daisies
12th Apr 2014 1:18am
Gg
sad indeed, but some joy to see you back again.
thank you kindly for the visit dear Lady
sad indeed, but some joy to see you back again.
thank you kindly for the visit dear Lady
Re: Pushing Daisies
11th Apr 2014 9:00pm
It's people like you who make me wish that my conscience allowed me to cuss so that I could say it better than this:
Dang, you really fricking want to make us all cry.
I've kind of had a bad view of you until I read this, and I'm glad, now, that I finally stopped judging this book by its cover, because it's a lot better than I had expected.
Dang, you really fricking want to make us all cry.
I've kind of had a bad view of you until I read this, and I'm glad, now, that I finally stopped judging this book by its cover, because it's a lot better than I had expected.
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Re: Pushing Daisies
Angel of agony
first off, hat tip for the honesty, that's a good trait. much respect there. I think most of us can be guilty of rushing to judgment, me included. I've learned (or think its ok) to appreciate someone's writing without having a major liming for their personality traits. I think keeping an open mind is important, generally there is good in everybody.
wait 'till you get married and your conscience will soon do a u-turn on the cussing sanctions.
ah, when I read that people are moved by words, sentences, stanzas etc it makes me feel I'm not some kind of oversensitive anomaly, so cheers for that.
thank you very much for your comment, it was an unexpected pleasure to read
first off, hat tip for the honesty, that's a good trait. much respect there. I think most of us can be guilty of rushing to judgment, me included. I've learned (or think its ok) to appreciate someone's writing without having a major liming for their personality traits. I think keeping an open mind is important, generally there is good in everybody.
wait 'till you get married and your conscience will soon do a u-turn on the cussing sanctions.
ah, when I read that people are moved by words, sentences, stanzas etc it makes me feel I'm not some kind of oversensitive anomaly, so cheers for that.
thank you very much for your comment, it was an unexpected pleasure to read
re: Re: Pushing Daisies
30th Apr 2014 3:43am
Zazzles
quite the compliment, Miss
happy to have provoked some emotion because that's pretty much the name of the game, so I'd call that a success
thanks for stopping by and leaving your thoughts, much appreciated
quite the compliment, Miss
happy to have provoked some emotion because that's pretty much the name of the game, so I'd call that a success
thanks for stopping by and leaving your thoughts, much appreciated
Re: Pushing Daisies
11th Jul 2014 00:17am
Lost love is a tragedy... I could sense the pain in this ink.
"chanting the old rhyme that your mother taught you
then tracing my fingers over the golden letters
etched into the cold marble
because the last petal says that you loved me"
That's what got me the most. This is eloquent and it seems as though the scene is now a beautiful grave site. Great work.
"chanting the old rhyme that your mother taught you
then tracing my fingers over the golden letters
etched into the cold marble
because the last petal says that you loved me"
That's what got me the most. This is eloquent and it seems as though the scene is now a beautiful grave site. Great work.
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re: Re: Pushing Daisies
11th Jul 2014 1:58am
Cheers, Michael. and welcome to DU
poeticness aside, I'm not sure there's such thing as a beautiful grave site, not in the eyes of anyone attached to it's occupant anyway. though thinking about it I'm sure it's easier for us to appreciate any beauty when it's a strangers grave we gaze at
good stuff, thank's for the visit and words
poeticness aside, I'm not sure there's such thing as a beautiful grave site, not in the eyes of anyone attached to it's occupant anyway. though thinking about it I'm sure it's easier for us to appreciate any beauty when it's a strangers grave we gaze at
good stuff, thank's for the visit and words
re: re: Re: Pushing Daisies
11th Jul 2014 5:09pm
You're right! There really is no such thing as a "beautiful grave site." Excuse my wording on that! What I really meant was, the ending is such a beautiful scene, although it reminds me of someone pondering the past love of a lost one - as if the scene did take place at a grave site. I hope that makes more sense, haha.
And thanks for the welcome!
And thanks for the welcome!
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