when I becomes i

regressing through progression gives an odd sensation
of deja vu
that has taken a life time
to snap out of

that moment you realize
everything led up to a moment
already past

and that everything you planned for
in the future
never happens

that the world in-between  
waiting
and figuring out

is all we have
to look forward to

and that the only way
you might win

is if you play
by yourself

i am heart broken
and i see no reason
not to be

there was no sense of other
implicated

I tore it up
and out
myself

at least now
the emotions
are mine

dissipating the smoke screen
revealed
exactly what
I always feared

nothing

not the despair that made it
unbearable

but the thought that after
such exquisite pain

the seemingly infinite hole it left
has an edge

and once that edge has healed
and shut

there is nothing

and once again your reflection
fractals
and falters

and the alter beckons you
to take that final vow

when will i
be mine?