Unqualified For This Position

I don’t even know what I’m feeling exactly, why your words brought tears to my eyes while at the same time causing my heart to smile, it’s still smiling. After reading the words you wrote in the middle of the night when sleep clearly wasn’t possible, when your mind was overwhelmed with thoughts of us and the fireworks we feel each time our hands touch.. I can tell from your carefully structured sentences that you know me, you know me better than I ever gave you credit for, you don’t see junkie when you look at me and you have no idea how much that means to me. You’ve now said it twice,               
                    “Brittanie, I’m falling in love with you.”  
   
I hang on every single word you say, I’m stuck existing in the pauses you take between thoughts, I hold my breath every time you pause to catch yours. I’m good with my words, I’m good with describing my feelings descriptively and expressing them accurately with the help of a few adjectives and cleverly placed commas… but with you, I’m left here speechless. I can’t find any words adequate enough to tell you how amazing you are, I don’t know how to describe how it feels to watch you fall asleep with your head on my chest or how nervous it makes me to simply hold your hand. I don’t know what words to use because nothing sounds right, nothing sounds good enough for you and that’s all I’ve ever wanted to be—good enough for you. You’re right, I’m a junkie and I live a reckless life that could cause me to hurt you when that’s the last thing in the world I’d want to do. But I’m going to do my best to keep your heart safe, it’s okay that you’re scared and it’s alright that you’re nervous.. all that matters is right now, in this moment, you’re willing to jump off this cliff with me without looking down or knowing what we’ll find when we finally hit the ground. You’re willing to fall with me, to breathe and dream with me. You’re willing to help me pick up the pieces of the life I’ve been busily self-destructing, thank you.  
   
“I’m falling in love with a junkie. I want to say it out loud and just watch it reverberate off the walls in my apartment. Junkie. Love. I want to step outside myself and figure out how this happened.”  
   
I remember that first day of work, the first day I heard the sound of your heels walk across the lobby and the second I looked up from my keyboard, you honestly took my breath away. You were wearing jeans that fit your curves perfectly, heels that echoed through the entire building and dark red lipstick. I used to sit at my desk, answering the phone and filing while glancing frequently at your closed office door waiting for when it’d finally open. I emptied your trash like five times a day, did you ever notice that? I didn’t even empty my own trash that often, I just wanted a reason to knock on your door and attempt to make awkward small talk with you. Your red lipstick was always incredibly distracting, I imagined how kissing you would feel, how your lips would feel against mine and I daydreamed of how soft the skin under your blouse would feel against my rough hands. I wanted you, I never for a second thought I’d be lucky enough to have a chance with you. I’m a broke junkie with no friends, ambition, goals.. I’ve never really accomplished anything, never had any luck until the day I got a job working in the same building as you. I never for a second thought you’d notice me and then you did, I saw you watching me type at my desk and I tried my best not to smile. That was back in September, it’s been months since those first glances were shared and I have no idea how we got where we are or what we should do, what to say or if I should be saying anything. I don’t feel like my words are enough anymore and all I ever want to do is kiss your dark red lipstick, all I ever want is to be near you.  
   
You know there are girls I’ve been kissing who aren’t you, other girls who are here on the nights you’re not and I also wrap my arms around them while they sleep, there are other girls who are just as amazing as you and I know I have to choose, I want to run away and part of me wants to grab your hand and bring you but I’m not sure what I’m going to do.  
   
“What would I do if she didn’t stop? I spend so much time trying to understand the brain waves and patterns that lead people to hate junkies and I wonder how it’s possibly for anyone to hate her beautiful eyes, her princess peach hair. How could anyone be disgusted by her intellect or those cheekbones framing her two perfect lips that I want to kiss more than I want to breathe.”  
   
You make me want to be a better person, you make me want to be someone deserving of your affection and honestly-- you probably just saved my life.    
                         Fall with me, I promise I'll keep your heart safe.