From a Suicidal Optimistic

If I were to end my life, I can honestly say I see a benefit for myself and others. Selfishly, it is mostly for myself.
Being that child, you know, the one who was always going to do something with their life. College has been heavily aimed for, and being in college, a heavier burden. If I were gone, there would be no worries about tuition, about money for me or my future. It could go elsewhere, to the ever growing bills, to my sister and her children, to my grammy.
As for me, what more would I have to worry? For that is the type of person I am, I worry. I worry about this world, I worry if one day I will make an impact, I worry for my dreams and my future, I worry that I will forever be paying for school, that my mother will go broke for me, because of me. I worry. About so much.
There are better things I can be doing with my life! But what are they? Is it better just to not care and end it? Really? Is that how it is supposed to go? And who will care about one person, who will ever know.
It's a lot to say I will end it, but that would be lying now wouldn't it.
As scared as I am to live, I am just as scared to die.
To not feel the sun, or the rain, to miss my mothers hugs and seeing the young grow up. I will never teach or draw or write again.
After all, those are the things I must do! I have to do. Or I have no purpose. However small that may be, however horrible I may be at them, they are me.
I cannot selfishly take my life, be the reasons good or wrong or misconducted and deluded as I know they are.
I have sisters who are growing up, and when they have questions, I must be there to answer. I have a father whose future ahead is rocky, and despite the pain, he has my love. I have a sister, whom I can finally stand on even grounds with. I have a dad, who is greater than any I will ever know, and I would never be able to tell him that. I have a mom, who would be heartbroken, devastated and hurt. Who would only blame herself when the fault is mine, mine to carry. I have things I want to finish, as stupid as it sounds, yes! I want to finish that book series, I want to watch that movie, I want to see that show. Yes! I have things I want to do! I will travel, I will experience, I will learn new skills and add to my own.
I need to learn how to fall and climb.
No matter how frightening, I must embrace it with open arms. Isn't that this scary life? Isn't that so frightening?
I cannot end this travel, I've only just begun.
I can hurt it, oh yes, I can hurt it a lot. It is easier to hurt it than it is to breath. I can bleed and feel its release and wonder, what would that eternity be.
But what would it be without? Without all I would miss, all I love, all I enjoy.
I could end it for many deluded reasons, I could end it for any honest reason, I could end it for no reason, I could end it in fear.
Or I could struggle through, I could fall and stand back up in mud, but walking through all the same, I could come out with a smile and in victory. I could. I should. I will.
Because I have all the reasons for living.
And they wont let me drop the blade to deep, but dig it out, harshly if necessary, and patch me back up.
I am frightened, I am dramatic, I am selfish and afraid the world will know.
I am alive. There are things I must do.
There is the one thing I can't do.
Create an ending to soon.
This is but the beginning.