Raging Boiling Blood

I really hate being a mom sometimes.  It’s like a trap.  I love them to pieces, they’re a part of me forever.  They can’t stop being a part of me.  Sometimes I think if there were a way to cut the biological ties, I’d have those scissor’s in hand so I could do it and be done being a mother.
I’d never wanted to be a mom.  My friend Alina’s children made me reconsider because they were such good kids, good people.  We didn’t necessarily try for Grace, but we didn’t take precautions either.  I was even excited for her.  But after that I didn’t want to do it anymore. Ever.  So when I was pregnant with Temperance, it was awful.  
I’d never really understood the phrase about boiling blood, but that’s exactly how I felt.  My blood (almost) literally boiled each time I thought about the fact that I was pregnant.  I’d been angry before, but this was a whole new level of rage flowing through me.  Rage at being pregnant.  That no one really understood that I did not want another child.  I prayed and begged and pleaded the entire drive to every single appointment that the doctor would not find a heartbeat.  That she’d be dead and they’d have to take her out and I’d be done with being pregnant and they could take all the baby-making crap out at the same time.  
(un)-Fortunately that wasn’t ever the case.  
How is it possible to love someone so much but wish they’d never been born at the exact same time.  Always?  I know I’d lose myself if anything ever happened to her (or Grace too) but if only the Time Lord Doctor Who could rewind time and I could tell Michael NO.  That’s just an impossible wish.  
How is it possible to feel this with only one child?  
My heart, my soul is split evenly.  Fighting a war that’s almost four years old now.  Will it be a neverending war?  It’ll seem that a battle has been won and that love has won but as soon as the dust settles the war has begun again.
Being a mom brings out the worst parts of me that I’d like to leave alone so that they may die.  
Of course, there’s always the option of leaving but then my heart would be unfixably broken.  How is it possible to feel two conflicting emotions at the same time?  
I don’t hate her.  Or them.  I hate being her mother sometimes.  Love it other times.  But mostly I’m torn.  My heart and my soul are being tugged on, torn, ripped apart by each side, always.  There’s no breaking it completely to finally have a settled emotion.  The pieces of my heart just keep stretching both ways.  I can’t cut them myself.  No one can do it for me.  
They all (everyone), kept saying, you’ll feel differently when she’s here.  You’ll love her, when she’s here.  Don’t worry about it, you’re feelings will change.  It’ll be over soon.  Now, I wish I’d have punched each person that said that.  Or shot them.  I knew it wasn’t true.  Unless, soon is an amount of time I’ve been mistaken about all these years.  How soon, is soon?
You can train your brain to learn, to read, to write, to memorize information, to remember, but you can’t train your brain to change the way it feels. The brain doesn’t feel.  The heart feels.  Do you train your heart to feel?  You can tell your brain to feel a certain way, but unless the heart complies and works with your brain it won’t happen.  And when you start to feel the way you’ve told your brain to feel, how long must your heart work to keep you feeling that way?  Even hearts get tired.  Get exhausted.  My  heart is exhausted from working so hard to keep on the ‘good’ side of accepting this mom crap.  Of going up and down, and being happy about being a mom, being her mom, then hating it, and loving it, and hating it.  
I love her.  I hate being her mom.  I hate being a mom.  
It’s okay to not want to be a mom. It’s okay to give your child up to a couple or someone who wants to be a mom.  It’s okay to give them to someone so they’ll have a better life, because you can’t provide, or you don’t want to be that mom.  It’s okay and always has been.
But no one ever tells you what to do when you love and hate it, and it’s only one child of two.  No one ever talks about those moms that only love being a mom to one of their children.  And, how do you speak up when the state so easily takes them away?  How do you begin to understand those conflicting feelings?  How do you take back control of your heart?  Kill the war that’s going on inside?  Stop the pain?