My Struggle

I've had some ups not out weighing the downs,  
but I've learned to stand strong smile and act as if nothing is wrong
I have felt alone for most of my life,  
no one to turn to no one truly on my side.  
I had no one to help me through when I was in pain
Couldn't talk to my mother without catching the blame.  
At age 16 she gave up on me,
bought a one way ticket and gave me to the streets
At 17 I was sexually abused taken advantage of and stripped of my youth  
w/ no one to turn to and no one to call I decided to stand tall and swallow it all I pushed it down deep where no one could see the constant pain I carry in me when I was 18 I was pregnant with my KING by a green eyed devil w/ insecurities
for the next 2 years I was held captive in my home
 no friends no family being beaten all alone  
once I escaped I stayed hidden for a year
 to embarrassed to let people see me shed a single tear
 I lived looking over my shoulder constantly in fear
 with no one to talk to not a single friendly ear.
 it took me some time to rebuild my confidence For I had been broken to pieces by the devil for no reason
I got a job in the city and try to start my career  
who would have guessed another downfall was near  
I moved to an apartment to be close to my son school
When a snake got a hold of me needing shelter and food
Attempting to be good and thinking it was also temporary
 I ended up house in your family for a year with no money  
trouble seemed to follow the snake wherever she went
Until one day it led to a two week stint
Once I return from jail and swore to stop all the fights  
my landlord put us out and the family all of a sudden was out of my sight leaving me there alone with nowhere to go  
I turned back to the streets because that's all I know  
I left my son with my mother for she had a stable home  
Asked her for a favor until I got a place of my own
Little did I know she would bring down the heat
I found myself in court fighting for what was mine  
and facing defeat  
the same woman who gave me life was not taking it back  
so I kept living on the streets selling heroin ecstasy and crack
One day on the block I'm at another man
doing the same  ad me... a bundle in his hand
We hit it off quick and one thing led to another
until the feds hit the spot, taking away my lover
But i was his Bonnie and he wad my Clyde
I vowed to the end with him i would ride
i held him down the entire time.  
As he continuously fed me lie after lie
To make matters worse I was raped and belittled
By one of his friends, a guy I knew since he was little
I went to my boyfriend brother and even his uncle
They both told me to keep quiet
Basically it was part of the struggle
 Emotionally torn to shreds with nowhere to turn
i kept it to myself but inside it still burned
Everyday i thought of homicide but where would that leave me
in a cell on my knees asking the Lord to forgive me
So once he got out a wedding we planned
for i thought we were meant to go through life hand in hand
our relationship wad Rocky to say the least
but for some dumb reason I thought i could tame this beast
not long after vows I find out some news
a baby boy inside me grew
about the same time things began to spiral
our daily fights damn near went viral
I shed blood sweat and tears on a daily basis
this Clyde of mine had multiple faces
he stopped coming home for weekends at a time
but i was pregnant and stuck so he was just fine
he introduced me to his chic and said it was his sister
she went along with it too till he went back to jail
Then she told me he was dicking her
but it was to late. I didn't care cause  was already done
to bad for me he wasn't gone for long
cause I had written a letter saying i wad in the wrong
I didn't want to be the reason he was locked up for 5 years
leaving me feeling  as i wiped his sons tears
he was out for two months when things came to a blow
I found out he was still cheating with his little side hoe  
when I confronted him he knew he was done  
so he reached in his bag and pulled out his gun
 to my surprise he cocked back and put the barrel to my head
 but now it was my turn to surprise him instead  
I looked him in the eye and told him I no longer care  
I said pull the fucking trigger and stop yanking my hair  
what he fail to realize is I'd already snapped  
this marriage was over and there was no looking back  
I left him that day and never returned  
the image of our love has for ever been burned  
after all that I took time to myself trying to figure out how I really felt
most days I was sad feeling like I've failed my child  
all because I was living free and wild
almost 2 years went past and I decided to leave  
I couldn't stand being here anymore I need some peace  
so I moved out of state and boy things were great  
I had my own place a good job and two cars  
But away from my little king I couldn't stay I had move too far  
now that I'm back and years have passed
 I still made bad choices but that won't last  
I'm back on my feet and still standing tall
Although I still get depressed from time to time  
I have to believe that in the end I will be divine