when i look at you, i'm home

 
you keep talking about moving away
each time, it's further
one day
you're only crossing state lines
the next
well, the ocean

it's already been two days since we've talked
and no one knows the extent that i miss you
but i already miss you, and oh my am i mad

i cried two times between 1
and 4
in the morning
new years day

i started the year off with an argument and a shot of tequila

but the drinks kept coming

(to fill the holes that were appearing like a dam had opened and were flooding into my chest)

and we kept fighting

(the drinks kept swirling)

even after you said that there was another girl
and she was the only one you had let in

(oh god did she fuck you over)

even when you said
you didn't want to be alone i said i'd be there
and i was
until you fell asleep

(that had made it a whole week since i've slept)

in the morning
you said you were going to spend
the whole day alone

(i don't know why i stayed the night anymore)

i said we were going to keep it platonic

(but the morning was bright)

it was the first time i had slept in a week
and i woke up with you across the bed
maybe, it was going to be okay

(but you were cold)

you held me and you kissed me

then when the time came
you got dressed across the room

you got dressed across the room
and we haven't talked since






i think about the first time i spent the night
and you woke up to me getting dressed by the doorway
i wonder what you thought
i wonder if you miss me

it's already been two days since we've talked
and the extent that i miss you
is killing me

i don't think about you the same way

(no, not the way i thought about the others)

i saw them like what they looked like after sex
still bare
still catching their breath
so vulnerable

but i thought about the way you looked when you were sleeping
the way your fingers wrapped around things
your smile
and your eyes when you were quiet

i miss you

and i know you already left me
and i know in a few months
you'll never be an arm's length away again

but when i look at you, i'm home





i learned three things from loving someone who didn't love me back:

at 6 in the morning, when you're all alone
the cigarettes don't last long enough

i should leave my phone off when i'm drunk

they'll resuscitate me if i stop breathing
but all forbid they kiss me again