“The Night Afore Christmas” or “A Visit From Grandma”

 'Twas the most important night of the whole yuletide-
And not a critter was stirrin' in the whole double-wide.
We youngin's was tucked in, and pretendin' we was sleepin'-
But we really was awake and our watch we was keepin'-
To hear the arrival of good ol' St. Nick, out in the dark
When he guided his sleigh into our trailer park.
Ma was puttin' the final touches to her special fruitcake-
Pa had drunk a whole twelve-pack and was pretty much baked.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
We ran fer the winders ta see what it was, was the matter.
“Get me my rifle!” yelled our old man-
“It's them damn raccoons in our garbage cans!”
When suddenly the lawn was lit up noon-bright
By our motion-activated security light.
And what to our wonderin' eyes should appear,
But a little old lady a-drinkin' a beer!
“Hey!” us kids yelled, “Grandma is here!”

As we was closin' the window and turnin' around-
On the front door Grandma started to pound.
“Open the damn door! And don't take all night-
Ain't no use pretendin' you ain't here- I done seen the lights!”
Mama flung open the door and said- in a voice kinda surly-
“Mama. What are you doin' here? Yer twelve hours early!”

“Relax Lurlene,” said Grandma,”don't get yer shorts in a bunch.”
“I just stopped by to say that I ain't comin' to lunch!”
Mama said, “What are you talkin' about you cantankerous ol' coot!?”
“Yer spiteful and hateful, and half-crazy to boot!”
“Showin' up here in the middle of the night-
Well, I'm too frazzled to care, and too tired to fight.”
“So whatever yer plottin' you'd best just fergit it!”
“You ruin Christmas ol' lady- and I swear you'll regret it!”

Grannie said, “How can I ruin yer Christmas my dear?”
“Didn't ya'll hear what I said? I ain't even gonna be here!”
“I got me a-hankerin' fer some blackjack and keno-
So I'm goin' on a Christmas bus-trip to that there Indian Casino.”
Our Mama then yelped, “Are you outta yer tree?”
“Now ol' lady- you just listen here to me-
I've had it with you, you evil old sinner!”
“No way yer goin' gamblin' and missin' Christmas dinner!”

Then Daddy spoke up, “What's the big deal
If the ol' dragon Lady ain't there fer one meal!?!”
“Ain't no problem far as I can see-
All it means is more turkey fer me!”
Granny said, “Lud, yer welcome to mine- 'cause it's bound to be dry!
And the taters'll be lumpy, and we won't talk about the pie!
But the Casino has got a fifty-foot long buffet-
And we got tickets fer a guy that impersonates Mr. Robert Goulet!

“Fine then!” snapped Mama, “just do what you want- you always did!”
Don't worry 'bout ruinin' Christmas fer yer very own Grandkids!”
“Just follow whatever foolishness comes into yer head-
It'll be a nice memory fer 'em – when yer cold n' dead!”
“Oh Lurlene,” said Grannie, “now that is enough!”
Neither me or my grandbabies will buy into that stuff.”
“Them kids love their Grannie, and they understand why
I'm pickin' gamblin' & Goulet over yer tired turkey n' pie.”
“So, how about it kids? Whadda ya say? Will ya still love yer ol' Grannie
If she ain't here Christmas day?”
“I'm sorry I cain't be here for the holiday meal-
But how 'bout twenty bucks each to sweeten the deal?”

“Away to our Grannie we flew in a flash-
To get a hug and a kiss, and our twenty bucks cash!
We said,“Don't worry Grannie, our feelin's ain't  hurt!”
“Thanks kids,” said Grannie, “ I'll bring ya back each a tee-shirt!”

“Well!” said Mama, “ain't this a fine how-de-do-
You've done made yer grandbabies just as selfish as you!”
Granny said, “Spare me the guilt trip- I'm immune to it Ducky!”
“I got me a purse full of nickels- and I'm feelin' lucky!”
“And speakin' of nickels, I gotta dash, and hit the A.T.M.-
I just gave them kids all my cash!”

And Grannie took off, back across the yard-
And Mama, she slammed the door - real hard.
And just before she disappeared we heard Grannie say-
“Merry Christmas to all! Look out Robert Goulet!”
Then Mama said, “Kids- you get back to bed now-
Or I'll give y'all a swat on the kiester!”
Then she said to Daddy, “I'm stickin' that ol' lady in a home before Easter!”