Lost

Who am I kidding?

Apparently everyone. They think I'm happy and I have no problems.

Only I know the real me.

Hiding behind the lies and putting up a false bravado to hold back all the pain inside.

The truth is I don't know if I'm awake or asleep. I don't know if I'm alive or dead. I don't know if I'm bitter or angry.

I'm selfish.

I still remember the day you told me nothing would change but lately it's been like nothing is the same.

I used to think the problem was you. But now I know that is not true.

The root of all evil is me.

I am my own worst enemy.

Knock myself down constantly.

Always saying to myself

"No you're not good enough for that.,"

"You don't deserve to be happy,"

"Everybody hates you,"

"Why do you even smile,"

"All you do is push people away from you because you're scared,"

"Coward,"

You're stupid,"

"You'll never be nothing but a dope fiend,"

"Nobody will ever know what you mean,"

"You're family is right,"

Listening to myself I feel the sense of drowning.
I'm drowning in my own words. Thoughts.


My throat tightens as I can feel the air barely enter my lungs.
I feel the all too familiar sense of the warm salty river flow down my cheeks, crashing to the ground. Racing out of my eyes, cannot be stopped.
My breathing is shaky. Wish someone would wake me.

I'm running through a maze. Endless.

I've lost everyone. What more can I lose?

I've lost my best friend to a stupid mistake.
I've lost my other best friend to society.
I've lost my mother to prescription pills.
I've lost my father. From the start.
I've lost the person I love to my selfish ways.
I've lost my sense of hope.

And now I fear I'm losing myself.