solitude rant

how do you describe solitude
the nagging sensation
feeling so distant from everything
as if all that you can hear
is the typing of your keyboard the breaths you take
but mostly the silence
its so loud at times it almost causes physical pain
lean your head into your pillow and feel the throb of your heart
the deep set pain that longs for company
and it gets so lonely at times
even in the thickest crowds
it feels like no one exist
the umbilical cord to the world is detached
and you know in your heart you are alone
you know you have no friends
you go nowhere
love may be in you for others but none comes to you
you may be even as i
and have no outings no social life beyond your blood line
or you may be a bit older and have none to speak of
that deep emotion of wrong inside you
that you know you need someone
even a friend
because you have no one to talk to
so many words lay in you and you have no one to listen
so much you want  to do
but no one to do it with
even the idea of coffee with someone
can seem a divine gift
and seeing people together kills you inside
stabs at you
makes your heart pump dry
its not sex its not love
much more human and self centered
the desire to have someone in a different way
to have someone who wants to be to close
that wants your company your attention
you can do all the little things done only to one other
who smiles at your person
and enjoys what you are
or even
the friend who is blood to you
the one that... is still an strange feeling to me
when your close to someone's heart and soul
and you truly care
and you want to see each other grow and triumph
just because they will be better off
that will always be there
or even less
that person who you can talk to
even admire or they admire you
who's on a similar intellectual plain
and thinks what you have to say means something
someone you can talk to for hours about ideas
just burn time away with
that leaves you thinking more than before
but none of this is so
because your in solitude
no friends no lovers no relations
your just a goest to society

i don't like the holidays
the pain of being alone all the time gets to me
a few weeks ago i lost my only friend
over stupid shit and she did a lot to hurt me
in fact she went out of her way
i am far from blameless but she crossed lines
that i still respect for her
and now i have no one to talk to
not even anyone to text or talk to at all
it really gets to me at times
when i'm desperate alone at home
just wishing i had anyone to call or text
have some faint company
sometimes i cry sometimes i get angry
its not good to be so separate
thats when the hallucinations really get going
desperation sets in
pain is taken up a level
i can began to dwell on one thing for hours
because there is nothing else to think about
theres nothing quite like knowing
that when you die
all your secrets...
not even secrets
all that you are that no one knows about
because to one talks to you spends anytime with you
that when you die
who you are will die to
and no one will tell stories
because no one has ever seen you
brings me yo tears