deepundergroundpoetry.com
SOMEBODY
If you were still,
Not still but still with me,
Still close to me,
Not cold and still
If you were a body
I could not feel you here
Or hear you here
So far from here
Before you were you
You were somewhere
And afterwards
to.
Somebody
With no body
To doubt you
Are you.
Not still but still with me,
Still close to me,
Not cold and still
If you were a body
I could not feel you here
Or hear you here
So far from here
Before you were you
You were somewhere
And afterwards
to.
Somebody
With no body
To doubt you
Are you.
Published 16th Dec 2013
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likes 6
reading list entries 1
comments 17
reads 126
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
16th Dec 2013 9:43pm
16th Dec 2013 9:57pm
17th Dec 2013 00:40am
whale
I like it, it's got some soul in it and is almost lyrical.
I think for me, in it's present form, the puns are a tad overworked and that's especially prevalent in the first stanza, I'd recommend fleshing the stanzas out a little more so it can hold them better.
It is a quaint little poem all the same and as said I like it so I get why people would like it the way it is.
anyway, just a bit of food for thought, my two cents as it were
good stuff man, shine on
I like it, it's got some soul in it and is almost lyrical.
I think for me, in it's present form, the puns are a tad overworked and that's especially prevalent in the first stanza, I'd recommend fleshing the stanzas out a little more so it can hold them better.
It is a quaint little poem all the same and as said I like it so I get why people would like it the way it is.
anyway, just a bit of food for thought, my two cents as it were
good stuff man, shine on
Thanks CD - its good food and I'll try it out - though its sometimes hard to unpick a thing
17th Dec 2013 9:58am
17th Dec 2013 10:00am
Anonymous
- Edited 15th May 2018 00:11am
17th Dec 2013 6:47pm
<< post removed >>
17th Dec 2013 7:28pm
19th Dec 2013 5:53am
19th Dec 2013 9:04am
22nd Dec 2013 1:56pm
22nd Dec 2013 8:01pm
22nd Dec 2013 8:02pm
3rd Jan 2014 10:04pm
The stillness in me
If you were still
as often still
as i am still
and
when my hard on is still,
still you will feel
for me still,
as still is all
that one has to be
when in you still,
till the stillness is taken away
out of sheer will
till then let it stand still
hold your will,
still
3rd Jan 2014 10:09pm
6th Jan 2014 2:19am
6th Jan 2014 9:20am