Room Keys and Memories

Not quite out of blood and with a few more veins than we have these days, it was this time last year that we ran away to a hotel 10 minutes from home, told the world we went to Atlantis and escaped to a world of our own. I remember those three days as if we checked out just yesterday, I remember when you curled up behind me and kissed my back while you thought I was sleeping—I wasn’t. The next morning we laughed so hard we cried after I came running out of the shower because I swore I heard you screaming my name. It was the first time I’d heard your voice in the white noise, now I hear you with me everywhere I go. You promised you would never call my name or try to talk to me if I was in the shower because it started to make me anxious every time I washed my hair, you kept your promise this whole year. But even with your promise, I’ve still stepped out of the bathroom to check on you more times than I care to admit to, what if I ignore you on the one day you need me not to? I will always come running to your rescue, I will always come running every time I hear your voice calling me regardless of its legitimacy. I won’t ever risk leaving you alone — you’ll never be alone and when you feel like you might be, just know I’m never too far away. I’ll always turn off the water to be sure you’re safe.

Those three days in Atlantis with you were so incredibly special to me, I know I never told you that and I wish I’d done differently. I know I cried and hysterically told you that I wanted to die but.. those were actually the happiest days I’d had in a while. At the time, I chose to ignore the feelings exploding inside my chest, I couldn’t just tell you how hard I’d fallen for you. I couldn’t tell you how adorable you were laying in my bed, focused on your poorly illustrated etch-a-sketch. I just couldn’t say it out loud, I couldn’t beg you to stay.. if I had told you how I felt back then, maybe you wouldn’t have ran to Seattle—to him. Maybe he wouldn’t have even happened, maybe things right now would be different.

Truth be told, I loved every second of our butterflies we tried to hide, the metaphorical posts to each other on tumblr.. those posts said everything except the one thing we were too scared to admit. “I love you, I love you, be with me.” We made Candy and Dan references, Blue Valentine comparisons and tip-toed around the feelings we weren’t quite sure of, both wanting to be sure they were real. That first kiss, it literally felt like everyone before you was just a test, they were simply practice and any kiss prior to you didn’t really happen. It felt like at 21 years old I was having my first real kiss, no other kiss felt quite like yours did, probably because that kiss made any other lips unbelievably insignificant. The moment I felt you pull me closer into you.. I knew I couldn’t ever lose you, knew you were the girl I wanted to spend all my remaining years falling asleep next to. I’d found my soul mate, for the first time in my life I turned to the universe and said, “Thank you, thank you for her.” I’ve never gotten a gift as amazing as you before, gotten a gift quite as irreplaceable. You were the gift I was relentlessly asking for.

I’ll love you forever, it’s not the kind of love we could erase and I will always beg you to come back, to stay. I’ll always be here, I’ll always run to your rescue whether you were calling my name or my mind was simply sick with missing you again. I wish we could go back to Atlantis but, I know we’re not ready to check back in yet.