My Ex Is Sexy

Everybody has that sexy ex-boyfriend.
You know the one…
With the piercing eyes and washboard abs?
He’s so SMART.
He’s so good at sports and speaks such flawless
English.
You always have to remind yourself why he was a bad idea because
He sure as hell looks like a great one.
I’m sure we all remember the details too!
There was always the sexy way he avoided conversations he didn’t want to have.
He knew how to say ALL the right things.
He knew how not to say all the right things even more.

I remember how my sexy ex ALWAYS disappeared when I wanted to talk about
OUR RELATIONSHIP.
He would have somewhere to be.
He would have someone else he needed to talk to.
Anywhere but there and anyone but me.
That mystery was always so sexy to me.
I didn’t even know him.

Then there’s the sexy way he was omnipotent.
I mean, he would sleep by ALL his guy friends in ONE night.
Rings a bell?
He was so sociable and friendly!
You would call Chad when his sexy self was nowhere to be found.
Chad would swear he slept there!
Brandon and Chris and Paul and Andrew all swore he spent the night there.
They ate popcorn, played Call of Duty and chilled.
So very VERY sexy!

Also, he was jealous of every male that spoke to you?
Your BROTHER was the neighbour you were secretly sleeping with.
The mailman was your prime flirt…
Although, when Rowan or Ashley or Emily texted HIM,
Nothing was going on.
He loved you so much that he didn’t want to think about sharing you.
How sexy it was to be under his microscope of double standards.

Occasionally he would call you a liar and tell you to go to hell.
Everybody KNOWS that DIRTY TALK is sexy!
You’d laugh at his joke and he’d tell you to rot in hell…
For some reason only apparent to him.
Sexy, dirty boy!

As expected, my ex is so sexy.
Now that you have him Rowan, he will rock your world!
I hope you guys have fun…
With Ashley
And Emily
And the girl in the check-out line.
The number stored as mum on his phone is a chick named Candace.
Whenever he sleeps at Chad’s, Andrew’s Paul’s and Brandon’s in one night
Call MUM.
By the way…
Brandon lives in Barcelona so he must have gotten a reserved ticket and taken a secret flight.

My ex is so so sexy that I decided to start dating nerds.
He reminds me that vanity is a bad idea.
Without the glasses, Charlie is twice as good looking.
He is intelligent without being smart with me
And well, he just isn’t as sexy as my ex.
It’s no big deal.