Untitled

"I think we should
break up,"
you texted me.

Instantly, I could
feel my eyes begin to
water so I ran upstairs
to my room and called you,
hoping you'd answer.

You didn't.

I left you a voicemail.
I didn't want you to hear
me cry.

I didn't want to cry.

I wanted everything to
stop.

The words kept echoing
in my head...

"I
I think
I think we
I think we should

break
up."

The words spun in my
head like an angry
tornado, destroying
all the happiness I
once had.

I tried to muffle
my sobs in the
pillow.

The same pillow she
used just days before
to muffle her moans.

I cried so hard.

I swore my heart spontaneously
became a black hole, and was
now collapsing in on
itself.

My ribs felt like they were
about to snap.

I was
destroyed.

All I wanted to do was
cut
and cut
and cut
and cut
and cut
and cut
and cut
and cut
and cut
and cut
and cut
and cut
and make it all go away.

But, I mean, you said to
me once that of I ever
cut because of you,

you would leave me.

I mean, were we even
still together?

I mean, you said,
"I
I think
I think we
I think we should

break up."

Not that you were
breaking up with me,
exactly.

And even though I was
sobbing so hard my
lungs couldn't take
it and exploded,

I didn't cut.

Not even a scratch.

All the damage was already
on the inside.







I'm not really sure
how long I cried for.

Hours.
Weeks.
Centuries.

Christ might've come
by now, I was sure
of it.

I stared at my phone,
blaming it for every
second that passed
that I wasn't receiving
a message from you.

Finally,
after all the water
had drained out of
the dam behind my eyes,
I stood up.

Dizzy.
Exhausted.
Light-headed.
No-hearted.

A little more dead
than I'd ever been
in my whole life.

I needed a shower.
I didn't care.

I had to see you
tomorrow. I had to
see you.

And, I had to scrub the
oil-mucus-water mixture
off my face.

But then, you called me.

Hearing your voice, was
so
fucking
perfect.

All of my tears
were worth it.

And everything was
okay.

I was still crying a
little, but everything
was okay.

At least you didn't hear
my post-crying hiccups.
I sounded almost okay.

You sounded angry,
but you didn't
yell.

Even when I deserved
it.

Of course I deserved
it, for what I
did.



Eventually, after
a long silence,
we said our
goodbye's and
I hung up.

Shower.

Texted you back.

Bed.

Numb.

Now I was numb.

So tired.

I missed you.

Wanted to cry
but couldn't.

Wanted to cut
but didn't.



Tossing
and
turning.










Sleep.













Waking up.

Too tired for
makeup.

I had breakfast.

Brushed my teeth.

Numb.

Combed my hair.

Drove to school.

Numb.




So numb.



And then, there you
were.

I just wanted to
run up to you and
hold you and kiss
you and cry and
cry and cry and

you ignored me.

You sat at the opposite
end of the stairs.

Numb.

We didn't speak.

All our friends
could see something
was wrong but I was

numb.

I nodded and smiled
and tried to be
okay.

I tried so hard.

You kept scooting
closer to me.

At first, I didn't
think you noticed
that I noticed that
you were getting
closer and

closer and


closer and


closer and
then you were right
beside me.

I put my arm around
you. You didn't look
at me.

But, in that moment,
I was okay.

I really was.

The black hole in my
chest filled up and
I had a pulse again.

Oxygen
Oxygen
I'm breathing in and
exhaling and I don't
even hurt.

Until you say you're
uncomfortable and move
away a little.

Then I'm just barely
less than fine.

I wasn't going to
cry,

but I just wanted to
touch you.

God, I missed you.

You were right beside
me but I missed you.




I




Love






You.






I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so pathetic.
I'm so sorry.
I miss you.
I love you.
I'm sorry.
I'm a fucking idiot.

But I miss you.

And,
I'm also sorry.





















By the way,

I'm sorry.