deepundergroundpoetry.com
Off'rings
I bring you gifts of mal-containment:
shallow bowls to bury your content,
lidless holes to marry your walls,
pointless goals to stock your mauls.
Wear, fester, choke your brid'e.
It's a lyin's den, carry oaky pride.
Lift, sequester, stoke, confide,
sieve, molest your freedom fried.
I bring you gifts to poise on tongues,
to bite off rings, and purpose lungs.
shallow bowls to bury your content,
lidless holes to marry your walls,
pointless goals to stock your mauls.
Wear, fester, choke your brid'e.
It's a lyin's den, carry oaky pride.
Lift, sequester, stoke, confide,
sieve, molest your freedom fried.
I bring you gifts to poise on tongues,
to bite off rings, and purpose lungs.
Published 24th Sep 2013
| Edited 25th Sep 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 6
reads 139
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
25th Sep 2013 00:19am
welcome to DU, A.R. I like the rhythm to this one and I notice that you encourage honest critique so let me help you out a bit: On the first line of the second stanza I think you meant "bride" and not "brid'e". The last stanza was a bit confusing. what do you mean by "purpose lungs"? This is an awesome piece and with a little bit of tweaking it will be quite outstanding. :) keep up the good work!
-loki
-loki
25th Sep 2013 1:02am
Thank you.
This poem paints the pain people create via the mouth. It is a gift from an undisclosed demon from long ago before man could speak.
1.) "Purpose lungs": this is a joke to mock life, suggesting that people were worthless until a demon gifted us with a voice for our lungs to push.
2.) "Brid'e" is intended. It's contracted from bridle: a device that is worn in the mouth of enslaved beasts. The word is contracted for the purpose of having duel meaning as bride. (This is a play on words to denote two disdainful things we do with our mouths which enslave us- tow the company line, and say our vows).
Thanks for your review and criticism. Please be sure to always analyze things carefully before breaking them open. In most cases, all that's required these days is the push of a button.
-A.R. Ortiz
This poem paints the pain people create via the mouth. It is a gift from an undisclosed demon from long ago before man could speak.
1.) "Purpose lungs": this is a joke to mock life, suggesting that people were worthless until a demon gifted us with a voice for our lungs to push.
2.) "Brid'e" is intended. It's contracted from bridle: a device that is worn in the mouth of enslaved beasts. The word is contracted for the purpose of having duel meaning as bride. (This is a play on words to denote two disdainful things we do with our mouths which enslave us- tow the company line, and say our vows).
Thanks for your review and criticism. Please be sure to always analyze things carefully before breaking them open. In most cases, all that's required these days is the push of a button.
-A.R. Ortiz
25th Sep 2013 2:44am
ah, you have a very wide use of vocabulary I see. I never heard of the joke "purpose lung" and I still have a ways to go with my use in words and grammar. You are very welcome and again, welcome to DU. :)
25th Sep 2013 7:35am
I enjoyed the poem for the word play. I take 'carry oaky' to refer to karaoke, another thing people do to damage their pride...
In this context, 'carry oaky pride' is a pun x3.
1.) oaky meaning strong, simply suggests that people should lie with strength and pride! It's an intelligent gift; if people are going to use it, they shouldn't be ashamed of it.
2.) people get drunk and do a lot of horrible things with their mouths. Karaoke is one of those things, however, while intoxicated people feel pretty strong and passionate about themselves.
3.) in the previous line is "lyin's den"(referring to that cave under the nose)... What would happen to Pin(oaky)o when he lied? His wooden nose would grow, and with it he could accomplish some amazing feats worthy of pride, however, the act of lying in order to get a big wooden nose is not generally regarded with pride.
note: there is also wordplay in "lyin's den" for both words together and separate, e.g., lion's den, which also coincides with "pride" (lion's pride). Lions are the only species of cat which form social groups (like humans). A lion's roar can have a devastating impact, just like the things people say (or other things coming from people's mouths) can have a devastating impact.
There's a tub of wordplay dripping from this poem. I hope you'll enjoy giving it a few reads to see what you can discover. Perhaps you'll find some things that even I haven't noticed yet.
1.) oaky meaning strong, simply suggests that people should lie with strength and pride! It's an intelligent gift; if people are going to use it, they shouldn't be ashamed of it.
2.) people get drunk and do a lot of horrible things with their mouths. Karaoke is one of those things, however, while intoxicated people feel pretty strong and passionate about themselves.
3.) in the previous line is "lyin's den"(referring to that cave under the nose)... What would happen to Pin(oaky)o when he lied? His wooden nose would grow, and with it he could accomplish some amazing feats worthy of pride, however, the act of lying in order to get a big wooden nose is not generally regarded with pride.
note: there is also wordplay in "lyin's den" for both words together and separate, e.g., lion's den, which also coincides with "pride" (lion's pride). Lions are the only species of cat which form social groups (like humans). A lion's roar can have a devastating impact, just like the things people say (or other things coming from people's mouths) can have a devastating impact.
There's a tub of wordplay dripping from this poem. I hope you'll enjoy giving it a few reads to see what you can discover. Perhaps you'll find some things that even I haven't noticed yet.
24th Oct 2013 9:40am
oaks not my fav tree
still I want to bite into this style I find it interesting
still I want to bite into this style I find it interesting
