Men: A User's Guide Chapter Eleven / Questions I

Obviously, some of the answers to some of these questions overlap, and in some ways, even though they dovetail, they either don't fit a particular scenario or a specific case.  Granted.  The point is to cover the most territory and then come back and fill the holes and deal with some questions that arise. I have also, as a matter of language use, adopted a personal tone of masculine sarcasm at times to see how it is that we might put things that men say into perspective.  Men who are more feeling centered will object to being nailed down so harshly, even if the overall objective is acceptable.  In this case, they will lead with, "Listen to how I am feeling, not what I am saying or how I am saying it." They are really saying something very helpful and profound here. We forget that men at base are female!  They are out of balance and hormone driven.  Men are essentially on their periods for most of their lives, from age 10 until about 75.  Men who access their female side will have brains that also, or even mainly, function as female minds do….in the generality, as feeling towards rationalization.  So, not all men and not all women, but on average…it may seem this way, as a way of opening the dialogue.

How can I know how he feels?  

Men read each other's signs better than most women read them.  Hairdressers, tailors, butlers, and such do tend to know men better, and are often gay, so they have what might be called MALE-DAR.  If you are a best friend, or work with someone, or are a brother or father or uncle or grandfather, you may have varying degrees of access, but most men do not broadcast their feelings. So, some men have learned the fine art of reading other men.  These special service men who are able to access us on whatever level can only do so much unless we say…..There is a famous line in Cyrano de Bergerac where Cyrano has just taken on the planet, and his friend says, Yeah, well what about this girl?  And he totally folds his cards.  He can take on anyone, except her.  Pride is a man's ever-present mistress.

A woman who knows how to ask has a good shot at finding out how a man thinks.  He will deflect, avoid, saunter, gyrate, stare at the ground, but he will finally find his footing on this one point: He needs to know how you feel. It is the one thing he does not know in the universe.  He is supposed to know everything, but the one big mystery is how you feel.  If you say how you feel, you can use that to bargain for how he feels.  "I love you," will probably get you a, "Me too." In actuality this means that he also loves himself.  Hmmmm.  But, if you say how you feel, "Every time you are with me, I feel that my heart is coming out of my chest I am so proud to be with you,"  you have now made a case that shows him the grounds for those emotions. "I like how your eyes sparkle." He will be as pragmatic and objective as possible.  Feelings are tough.  You have to show men how to show feelings, because they are taught not to show them.  Men do not cry.  Men are stone faced.  Men do not allow others to see them sweat.


I do everything he wants, and he will not do what I want, isn't that unfair?  

You are looking at things from a vantage point that obscures your actual request.  He is doing what he is allowed to do and remain a man. You are doing what you want to do.  If you do what he is doing, then you are being a buddy.  If he does what you are doing, he is a girl, he is pussy whipped, he is not a man, and he is being watched by every other man and they are all saying the same thing: You either married your mother or you married your sister.

I am not a Madonna/whore, and I refuse to dress up like a French maid at this age, so what else can I do that is not degrading?

Okay, so the case is being over-stated.  Why?  You see yourself as being split.  This is not the case.  A man wants a woman who wants to have sex with him.  So, she has public purity and naughty personal loving.  This is really about propriety.  He knows that given 2 drinks and the right lighting, his best friend will nail his girl in a heartbeat. It happens all the time.  He wants the freedom to go to work without his having to check up and see if she is still being loyal.  Most of the time, what this really is is a reflection or projection of his own emotional state. He looks and he can't imagine you don't. And he for sure knows you are being looked at.  Men have 400,000,000 reasons in their pants to be cautious.  They know the score.

Okay, it is outside your comfort zone to dress up in clothes that are too tight, and they just remind you that you gained 40 pounds after that last baby.  You do realize that what you're saying is that, "I don't feel like I look good in these clothes."  When you two met, you were wearing your ankles behind your ears, so let's get really honest.  If you are not proud of your appearance, do something about it, but don't blame his wanting you on that.  The cold hard truth: Eat it, fuck it, or forget it.  Which of these three do you choose?  Men will take a fourth option, oh, yes, they will.  Sports, gaming, hunting, woodworking.  They will close down, hide out, and give all of your attention to something that excludes you.  They have to play this fucking ridiculous game of being macho and tough and non-emotional and hard headed and protecting and all the crap that goes with it, and your friendship and sexiness make it all bearable because after all: Eat it, fuck it, or forget it is all he has to go on.  A man's life is pretty simple.  I am not a woman. And so, without a woman, I can only eat it or forget it.  When I lose my will to eat, I'm fucked