Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy –

It is 4:00 a.m. and your little one is wide awake, thinking of You. This is not a surprise. Your little one often thinks of You in the wee hours when sleep evades her and her mind wanders the cosmos seeking for something to latch onto. Often, her wandering brain latches onto her own inner darkness, the doubts and fears that You try so hard to quiet for her. How she wishes You could truly quiet them forever, but no one can. This morning, however, that part of her she wishes she could control better – her mind - has latched onto something different.

It seems that life events have recently conspired in devilish ways to prevent her from coming to You and You from coming to her. The cruelty of the universe knows no bounds, or so it seems at times. There is no conspiracy, there is only life. Your little one tries to be strong for herself and for You, but it is so very difficult. Your eyes, Your lips, Your hands, Your kiss, Your touch, Your scent, Your strength, Your calming presence… she misses all of these things and more. Each day, she misses You more. Each day, she longs to be with You more. You can survive without her, she can survive without You. Both You and she know this, but still, she finds herself feeling cold and alone no matter where she is or who she is with, simply because You are not there too.

Recently, she knows, it seems as if all Your little one tells You is how she misses You terribly and needs to see You again soon. It must sound almost like a demand to Your ears; she often feels so terribly selfish and You know that she hates sounding needy. It sounds often, she is sure, as if she is only thinking about her own needs and not yours, Daddy. That is not her intention. Such emotional greed is not what she wants to project. Because as much as she needs to see You, to surrender all that she is to You if only for the brief time she can be with You, Your little one also knows that You need to see her. As much as You tell her that You are fine, she hears in Your voice that You are not. A very vital part of You is being neglected as much as is a part of her. As strong as Your will and control may be, she knows that part of You aches as she does. Your words do not say this, but it in Your sometimes wistful tone and Your sometimes melancholy inflection. You miss Your little one as much as Your little one misses You, she knows that. It makes her need to see You even greater.

You are going through so much turmoil in Your vanilla life and she wants to be Your escape from the stress it brings and the torment that chases You daily. The tears she sheds when she thinks of You are not only because her heart cries out to be with You, but also because her soul cries out to take some of Your burden and allow You to be truly free for as long as she can make possible. Sometimes, she feels as if she fails You because she is not be there to give You the what You need. Sometimes, she feels helpless because You need things she is not able to provide from so far away. Sometimes, she feels she may lose You to someone who CAN be there when You need to take Your Monster out for a walk. Silly thoughts, she knows, but they are still there, gnawing at her. You little one just wants so badly to be the one that makes everything better for You when You need that. Everyone needs that person, even Domly Doms.

Your little one will try to be patient, Daddy. You have worked to help her learn that skill and she is grateful for she needs it once again.

Love You, Miss You, Wish You were here
Your little one