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Pantoum-mime .. a Pantoum butchered
I sleep through the light
the days are so long now
and night time is preferred
my reasons, swallowed
the days are so long now
my reasons, swallowed
because she demands it
and so, it has to be
my reasons, swallowed
deep down close to a shame
welling though, like a volcano
that bubbles with a rebellion
deep down close to a shame
it's there that her name dwells
like some almost secret
because numbers matter for some
It's there that her name dwells
and night time is preferred
because numbers matter for some
I sleep through the light
the days are so long now
and night time is preferred
my reasons, swallowed
the days are so long now
my reasons, swallowed
because she demands it
and so, it has to be
my reasons, swallowed
deep down close to a shame
welling though, like a volcano
that bubbles with a rebellion
deep down close to a shame
it's there that her name dwells
like some almost secret
because numbers matter for some
It's there that her name dwells
and night time is preferred
because numbers matter for some
I sleep through the light
Written by
lepperochan
(CraicDealer)
Published 6th Aug 2013
| Edited 7th Aug 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 11
reading list entries 0
comments 20
reads 154
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Pen On~
Anonymous
6th Aug 2013 5:30am
Cool ink 'E'! I can dig it! Last stanza was killer! Xo
Pen On~
Pen On~
0
re: Pen On~
6th Aug 2013 6:04am
Re: Pantoum-mime ..a s
6th Aug 2013 5:39am
I thought this poem was ok! I just don't like repetitive poems.
I think personally the entire poem is in the last paragraph xoxo
I think personally the entire poem is in the last paragraph xoxo
0
re: Re: Pantoum-mime .
6th Aug 2013 6:06am
I hear you Gigi, the repeating lines are part of the form though so they were necessary.
to be honest, I found it quite complicated to figure it out, but I'm glad I gave it a go.
thanks for dropping by missus.
to be honest, I found it quite complicated to figure it out, but I'm glad I gave it a go.
thanks for dropping by missus.
Anonymous
- Edited 16th May 2018 11:39am
6th Aug 2013 8:05am
<< post removed >>
re: Re: Pantoum-mime .
6th Aug 2013 8:24am
Thank you kindly Petit one
any tips and pointers towards the variations would be greatly appreciated, because as said; I find the whole thing rather complicated, but would like to get it right.
and thanks for the drop by and words
any tips and pointers towards the variations would be greatly appreciated, because as said; I find the whole thing rather complicated, but would like to get it right.
and thanks for the drop by and words
Anonymous
- Edited 16th May 2018 11:39am
7th Aug 2013 8:35am
<< post removed >>
re: re: Re: Pantoum-mime
7th Aug 2013 10:22pm
I've spotted it, damn it all to hell I say.
I'll have to try figure out how to get out of this one without upsetting the lines too much.
Thank you kindly dear Lady, appreciated
I'll have to try figure out how to get out of this one without upsetting the lines too much.
Thank you kindly dear Lady, appreciated
Re: Pantoum-mime ..a s
6th Aug 2013 10:46am
I didn't know this form, but I've had a look and I think you got it.
Perhaps the repitition would beneft from fewer stanzas. Saying that, you have some graceful lines here, good work, Craic.
Perhaps the repitition would beneft from fewer stanzas. Saying that, you have some graceful lines here, good work, Craic.
0
re: Re: Pantoum-mime .
7th Aug 2013 10:27pm
Atakti
cheers big ears, I might just cut this down by a stanza I've spotted another little problem here so we'll see what the craic is when I fix that
thanks for the drop by and words pretty Lady
cheers big ears, I might just cut this down by a stanza I've spotted another little problem here so we'll see what the craic is when I fix that
thanks for the drop by and words pretty Lady
Anonymous
- Edited 16th May 2018 10:05pm
6th Aug 2013 11:15am
<< post removed >>
re: Re: Pantoum-mime .
7th Aug 2013 10:29pm
Anonymous
- Edited 17th May 2018 9:40pm
6th Aug 2013 2:44pm
<< post removed >>
re: Re: Pantoum-mime .
7th Aug 2013 10:34pm
Carpe
good to see you man, not sure I can cut too much from this, though I'd love to cut the last stanza out.
thanks for the drop by and word kind sir
good to see you man, not sure I can cut too much from this, though I'd love to cut the last stanza out.
thanks for the drop by and word kind sir
Anonymous
- Edited 17th May 2018 7:36pm
7th Aug 2013 2:31am
<< post removed >>
re: Re: Pantoum-mime .
7th Aug 2013 10:37pm
funny you should say that, Steve
I've tried both your suggestions and have leaned towards cutting the said words altogether, I think it reads better and so thank you kindly for them.
also, thanks for the words of encouragement, much appreciated my good fellow.
I've tried both your suggestions and have leaned towards cutting the said words altogether, I think it reads better and so thank you kindly for them.
also, thanks for the words of encouragement, much appreciated my good fellow.
Re: Pantoum-mime .. a
15th Jan 2014 4:49am
The repetitiveness of your lines keep the heart beating so... swiftly finished in your last stanza.
1
re: Re: Pantoum-mime .
15th Jan 2014 5:01am
Thank you kindly glass hearted one
this one was hard, and I made a bit of am arse of it, I'm happy you like it though and thank you kindly for dropping by and leaving your brainprint
this one was hard, and I made a bit of am arse of it, I'm happy you like it though and thank you kindly for dropping by and leaving your brainprint
Anonymous
- Edited 21st May 2018 7:36pm
21st Apr 2014 7:04pm
<< post removed >>
re: Pantoum-mime
21st Apr 2014 11:02pm
Miss Devlin
kind words indeed, Miss. I come back and read this the odd time myself. Probably because I found it to be a bit of a challenge, more than most all the other poems I've tried. trying to get the first stanza right was a nightmare because everything has to blend into the subsequent stanzas. I'd totally recommend it though
thanks much for your visit and thoughts Miss
kind words indeed, Miss. I come back and read this the odd time myself. Probably because I found it to be a bit of a challenge, more than most all the other poems I've tried. trying to get the first stanza right was a nightmare because everything has to blend into the subsequent stanzas. I'd totally recommend it though
thanks much for your visit and thoughts Miss