feel the knife

i just want to feel the blade
rake itself across my skin
all of my potential, goes into my writing
and that knife
will i ever feel enough?

or will i keep on bleeding until
i have bled out?
will i ever fully heal?
or am i just a casted shadow?
waiting to disappear?

i want to feel the knife again
it has been so long
i have taken short cuts, to bleeding
but for that i assume
i am selfish

because that's all anyone can ever say
they don't try to help
they make me feel even worse again
which causes even more pain
and i start again

i can go months at a time
without the feel of the knife
but when it strikes
and the memories come back
nobody can stop me

i rake, i scrape, i cut, i shank
and i bleed until the rag is red
after a while a blood stain turns orange
and then i can pain t a whole forest
with what i have discovered

i am not selfish
i have my own opinions on what's best for me
i shall just keep it a secret
for it is nothing to brag about
just keep it to yourself!

i want to feel the knife
with my fingertips and
graze it on my wrists
but who says i have to stop there
when i can continue, everywhere!!

the blood never stops
and the fun never ends
when i get the feel of the knife again
i feel so young, i feel so free
does this mean a life of hell, for me?