Submissions by blocat
POEMS AND SHORT STORIES
Poet Introduction
Comedy writer and also write serious stuff from the heart when I'm in the mood. Without humour life has no real balance and we take ourselves too seriously. I use humour as armour against the slings and arrows of outrageous circumstance. ;-)
Bullshit Baffles Brains
Bombardier Bob Grice had been a sergeant then got himself busted (twice) down to the basic rank of gunner. His great character, initiative and natural low cunning had got him promoted again.
The big gruff Yorkshireman had grown up in a succession of orphanages and foster homes forcing him to become self reliant or, as one Sergeant Major had described him: “As sharp as a shit house rat and slicker than snot on a glass banister.”
Bob had joined the British Army in 1943 at the age of 18 and showed great promise in basic training. He had gone ashore on D day plus one with...
The big gruff Yorkshireman had grown up in a succession of orphanages and foster homes forcing him to become self reliant or, as one Sergeant Major had described him: “As sharp as a shit house rat and slicker than snot on a glass banister.”
Bob had joined the British Army in 1943 at the age of 18 and showed great promise in basic training. He had gone ashore on D day plus one with...
38 reads
2 Comments
Perplexed
Do horses have haemorrhoids?
Do Martians send spies?
Does the queen fart in public?
Do vicars tell lies?
These questions occur
Leaving me quite perplexed
Where the hell do they come from?
What the hell's coming next? :-)
Do Martians send spies?
Does the queen fart in public?
Do vicars tell lies?
These questions occur
Leaving me quite perplexed
Where the hell do they come from?
What the hell's coming next? :-)
41 reads
2 Comments
The Whore
51 reads
2 Comments
Bloody Women!
This poem is best read whilst imagining an Aussie bloke telling it to his mates in the pub.
Just ‘cos I used her toothbrush she went off in a huff
Back home to her mother saying she had had enough
Bloody women! I told me mates, they’re serial complainers
How else am I supposed to get dog shit off me trainers?
Just ‘cos I used her toothbrush she went off in a huff
Back home to her mother saying she had had enough
Bloody women! I told me mates, they’re serial complainers
How else am I supposed to get dog shit off me trainers?
50 reads
7 Comments
Forever Helpful
I wrote a much longer version of this story called Bang on Time but then I had to submit a story in 250 words or less for a competition.I edited it right down so it's even short enough for Rain to read ;-)
Ahmed, the bomb maker, and his handler Azziz where to strike a blow for jihad; the death of a government minister no less and today was the day.
Aircol and Max Plc had developed a new fuel system for fighter planes and had built a new wing to accommodate it. Ahmed and his co worker old John were the maintenance engineers and had built the platform and installed the...
Ahmed, the bomb maker, and his handler Azziz where to strike a blow for jihad; the death of a government minister no less and today was the day.
Aircol and Max Plc had developed a new fuel system for fighter planes and had built a new wing to accommodate it. Ahmed and his co worker old John were the maintenance engineers and had built the platform and installed the...
82 reads
6 Comments
Ruby Tuesday
Looking from his office window Robert watched the old bag lady sit down on a bench in the square below. She unwrapped a sandwich and began slowly to break it into pieces, a piece for herself and a piece for the birds. How kind he thought that someone with so little was willing to share. He thought of how he too always fed them but that was different his mother always packed much more that he could comfortably eat. He watched absently as she finished and rose to leave. It was almost time for his own lunch and he would be sitting on that same bench. He little knew then how this old lady was...
59 reads
4 Comments
The Darwin Awards (First prize)
Dino Malevski worked at a fast food restaurant in Hollywood California. It was temporary work as far as he was concerned just until he was discovered by the film industry. He was a good looking lad of twenty who thought that was all that was needed was good looks and a good talking voice. He practised in front of his mirror nightly so he knew he was good and getting better.
His boss, Alfonso Grinelli, couldn't understand why he was so slow. Didn't he know Dino needed to protect his hands against the day he would become a famous movie star? And he sure as hell couldn't risk splashing...
His boss, Alfonso Grinelli, couldn't understand why he was so slow. Didn't he know Dino needed to protect his hands against the day he would become a famous movie star? And he sure as hell couldn't risk splashing...
60 reads
2 Comments
Jock McGrab
A Scottish banker Jock McGrab was deep in love with money
Had an episode in the street that people thought quite funny
He accidentally dropped a penny and, so it is said
Bent so fast to pick it up that it landed it landed on his head!
Had an episode in the street that people thought quite funny
He accidentally dropped a penny and, so it is said
Bent so fast to pick it up that it landed it landed on his head!
35 reads
0 Comments
All the Young Stallions
A tribute to the brave men of all nations who bought our freedom with their blood and sailed into Normandy 6th June 1944. May their memory be blessed and cherished evermore.
All the young stallions prancing with pride
How many have fought? How many have died?
Sea horses riding the crest of a wave
Consumed and condemned to a watery grave
They knew before the clarion it called
They knew that history would be appalled
But still they charged on despite the fear and dread
They knew on the morrow a great host would be dead
What courage was theirs that a...
All the young stallions prancing with pride
How many have fought? How many have died?
Sea horses riding the crest of a wave
Consumed and condemned to a watery grave
They knew before the clarion it called
They knew that history would be appalled
But still they charged on despite the fear and dread
They knew on the morrow a great host would be dead
What courage was theirs that a...
38 reads
2 Comments
The Guru
In Bangla Gong near Wazzackstan
There lived a Hindu holy man
Folk would come from miles around
To hear his wisdom so profound
They came from America England too
Even from far-flung Peru
To hear his words with eager heart
To gain the wisdom he’d impart
Over hill and dale and desert plain
Suffering thirst and hunger’s pain
Enduring cold and blazing heat
Just to sit at the wise man’s feet
He sat for days in meditation
Lost in thought and contemplation
‘Til at last this holy bloke
Held up his hand before he...
There lived a Hindu holy man
Folk would come from miles around
To hear his wisdom so profound
They came from America England too
Even from far-flung Peru
To hear his words with eager heart
To gain the wisdom he’d impart
Over hill and dale and desert plain
Suffering thirst and hunger’s pain
Enduring cold and blazing heat
Just to sit at the wise man’s feet
He sat for days in meditation
Lost in thought and contemplation
‘Til at last this holy bloke
Held up his hand before he...
46 reads
2 Comments
Inventive Scots
Two Scotsman simultaneously saw
A penny lying on the floor
Both made a grab got hold together
Would either man let go? Never!
Each tugged and pulled and cursed the other
‘This penny’s mine let go yer bugger’
They heaved and sweated fit to burst
Each claimed he’d seen the penny first
They tugged all day and through the night
Neither would give up the fight
Now you may think that I'm a liar
But that’s how they invented copper wire
A penny lying on the floor
Both made a grab got hold together
Would either man let go? Never!
Each tugged and pulled and cursed the other
‘This penny’s mine let go yer bugger’
They heaved and sweated fit to burst
Each claimed he’d seen the penny first
They tugged all day and through the night
Neither would give up the fight
Now you may think that I'm a liar
But that’s how they invented copper wire
40 reads
2 Comments
The Pull of the Pound
Hamish McGinty, a canny Scot
Loved his money quite a lot
In the dentists he hit the roof
When he heard the cost of pulling a tooth
Whit? Twa hundred poonds he said
Fer wrenchin' a molar from a head?
Well if it’s less you want to pay
I won’t use nurses or X-ray
Then that will cost one hundred pound
Cheapest deal for miles around
If with anaesthetic we dispensed
Would fifty poonds make mair sense?
Without anaesthetic I’ll be plain
T’will cause excruciating pain
Aye ah ken an’ ah’m no being funny
But I...
Loved his money quite a lot
In the dentists he hit the roof
When he heard the cost of pulling a tooth
Whit? Twa hundred poonds he said
Fer wrenchin' a molar from a head?
Well if it’s less you want to pay
I won’t use nurses or X-ray
Then that will cost one hundred pound
Cheapest deal for miles around
If with anaesthetic we dispensed
Would fifty poonds make mair sense?
Without anaesthetic I’ll be plain
T’will cause excruciating pain
Aye ah ken an’ ah’m no being funny
But I...
52 reads
4 Comments
DU Poetry : Submissions by blocat