Submissions by DrewThompson
POEMS AND SHORT STORIES
SELF POEM
Published
2nd Nov 2009 11:15am
2nd Nov 2009 11:15am
Love Spuds For Sale
I rarely cry at movies
Shed a tear? Not much at all
But I can hand-on-heart admit
'The English Patient' made me bawl
That bit where he goes back to
The cave to see the lady
I didn't really "shed a tear"
I was bawling like a baby
I knew I was in trouble
When my bottom lip went limp
Then I opened up the floodgates
And cried and cried just like a wimp
But I guess that's not so bad
Breaking barriers, knocking down walls
I'm so in touch with my feminine side
That I may as well sell my balls
Shed a tear? Not much at all
But I can hand-on-heart admit
'The English Patient' made me bawl
That bit where he goes back to
The cave to see the lady
I didn't really "shed a tear"
I was bawling like a baby
I knew I was in trouble
When my bottom lip went limp
Then I opened up the floodgates
And cried and cried just like a wimp
But I guess that's not so bad
Breaking barriers, knocking down walls
I'm so in touch with my feminine side
That I may as well sell my balls
241 reads
4 Comments
DARK POEM
Published
2nd Nov 2009 11:14am
2nd Nov 2009 11:14am
Caught In A Trap
I'm sweating, but I'm freezing
And the walls are closing in
I feel just like I'm trapped
Inside a big, white wheely bin
I hear a tap slow-dripping
A ceiling fan buzzing up above
Will I ever escape this place?
Will I see my wife, my love?
The lights above are blinding
I'm in deep, way over my head
I need to find a way out now
Or by morning, I'll be dead
I'm stuck here in the can at work
How will it end, this caper?
It's not my time that has run out
It's the fucking toilet paper
And the walls are closing in
I feel just like I'm trapped
Inside a big, white wheely bin
I hear a tap slow-dripping
A ceiling fan buzzing up above
Will I ever escape this place?
Will I see my wife, my love?
The lights above are blinding
I'm in deep, way over my head
I need to find a way out now
Or by morning, I'll be dead
I'm stuck here in the can at work
How will it end, this caper?
It's not my time that has run out
It's the fucking toilet paper
335 reads
0 Comments
OBSERVATIONAL POEM
Published
29th Sep 2009 5:08pm
29th Sep 2009 5:08pm
Jobs Are Like Buses
I've sat on my arse for three weeks now
Wondering what I'm doing wrong
I couldn't get a job for love nor money
Then three of the things come along!
Sat here near a month, sans employment
For any old job, did I seek
No-one had work for me whatsoever
Then three fricken' jobs in a week!
Agencies, classifieds and Gumtree
They all said their pockets were bare
I watched every episode of 'Family Guy'
Then three jobs? Man, what happened there?
How did I get three job offers?
I said from my bum shines the sun
I told them I'm great,...
Wondering what I'm doing wrong
I couldn't get a job for love nor money
Then three of the things come along!
Sat here near a month, sans employment
For any old job, did I seek
No-one had work for me whatsoever
Then three fricken' jobs in a week!
Agencies, classifieds and Gumtree
They all said their pockets were bare
I watched every episode of 'Family Guy'
Then three jobs? Man, what happened there?
How did I get three job offers?
I said from my bum shines the sun
I told them I'm great,...
290 reads
1 Comment
ANGER POEM
Published
20th Sep 2009 6:43am
20th Sep 2009 6:43am
Miserable Git
I'm feeling pretty sad today
My outlook's pretty grim
I feel like I'm on downers
Knocked back with a pint of gin
I'm feeling pretty low today
Not fun-loving or silly
I'd describe myself as feeling
Flatter than a kipper's willy
I'm feeling pretty crap today
Now my honeymoon is over
If you see me on the street
Mount the kerb and run me over
My outlook's pretty grim
I feel like I'm on downers
Knocked back with a pint of gin
I'm feeling pretty low today
Not fun-loving or silly
I'd describe myself as feeling
Flatter than a kipper's willy
I'm feeling pretty crap today
Now my honeymoon is over
If you see me on the street
Mount the kerb and run me over
292 reads
1 Comment
EROTIC POEM
Published
20th Sep 2009 6:42am
20th Sep 2009 6:42am
Naked xBox
It's nearly time, it's nearly time
It's really, nearly time
That special time is nearly here
Now that it's five-to-nine
(Five minutes later...)
It's time for naked xBox!
Bet your ass it's pretty rude!
Playing 'Lego Batman' in the buff
Playing xBox in the nude!
I'm playing naked xBox!
Shall I play 'Crash Bandicoot'?
I think I'll just play 'Bioshock'
Whilst in my birthday suit
Woo hoo! It's naked xBox!
I'm feeling pretty ill
Whilst playing naked 'GTA'
I think I caught a chill...
It's really, nearly time
That special time is nearly here
Now that it's five-to-nine
(Five minutes later...)
It's time for naked xBox!
Bet your ass it's pretty rude!
Playing 'Lego Batman' in the buff
Playing xBox in the nude!
I'm playing naked xBox!
Shall I play 'Crash Bandicoot'?
I think I'll just play 'Bioshock'
Whilst in my birthday suit
Woo hoo! It's naked xBox!
I'm feeling pretty ill
Whilst playing naked 'GTA'
I think I caught a chill...
378 reads
3 Comments
MISCELLANEOUS POEM
Published
16th Sep 2009 7:18am
16th Sep 2009 7:18am
Piss Off, Mosquito
Piss off, mosquito
Why are you here?
I'm chilled on the front porch
Just having a beer
In you come a-flying
In your shit, wispy way
How do you not get it
When we shoo you away?
You bite me, then leave me
With lots of red marks
On my head, arms and legs
(And even my private parts!)
This is your final warning
You've had your last pass
So piss off, mosquito
Or I'll flatten your ass
Why are you here?
I'm chilled on the front porch
Just having a beer
In you come a-flying
In your shit, wispy way
How do you not get it
When we shoo you away?
You bite me, then leave me
With lots of red marks
On my head, arms and legs
(And even my private parts!)
This is your final warning
You've had your last pass
So piss off, mosquito
Or I'll flatten your ass
277 reads
2 Comments
MISCELLANEOUS POEM
Published
16th Sep 2009 7:17am
16th Sep 2009 7:17am
Socks & Pants From Primark
I just went to Primark where
I bought new socks and pants
It only cost me twenty quid
So I said; "Lovely, thanks!"
I had to stand in a massive queue
Which was a bit of a joke
Luckily, it went down quickly
Because I'm not a patient bloke
I'm so happy with my socks
And with my pants...so cheap!
If money was no object
I'd buy new ones every week!
So, thanks a shedload Primark
Here's a metaphorical hug
For keeping my feet cosy
And my frank & beans quite snug
I bought new socks and pants
It only cost me twenty quid
So I said; "Lovely, thanks!"
I had to stand in a massive queue
Which was a bit of a joke
Luckily, it went down quickly
Because I'm not a patient bloke
I'm so happy with my socks
And with my pants...so cheap!
If money was no object
I'd buy new ones every week!
So, thanks a shedload Primark
Here's a metaphorical hug
For keeping my feet cosy
And my frank & beans quite snug
349 reads
3 Comments
MISCELLANEOUS POEM
Published
13th Sep 2009 6:50am
13th Sep 2009 6:50am
Our Postman Is A Wanker
When I leave for work each morning
Every single day starts bad
I'm confronted with our postman
Man, he really makes me mad
You see, our Postman is a wanker
He's a self-indulgent git
The prick's the smuggest man on Earth
He really thinks he's it
He walks around, all smug-faced
Like he's just won piles of money
He's always making wise-cracks and
He thinks he's really funny
One day I'll surprise him
I'll jump out on him without warning
Then I'll slap him on the knackers
He won't expect THAT in the morning
Every single day starts bad
I'm confronted with our postman
Man, he really makes me mad
You see, our Postman is a wanker
He's a self-indulgent git
The prick's the smuggest man on Earth
He really thinks he's it
He walks around, all smug-faced
Like he's just won piles of money
He's always making wise-cracks and
He thinks he's really funny
One day I'll surprise him
I'll jump out on him without warning
Then I'll slap him on the knackers
He won't expect THAT in the morning
#rhyming
#funny
1034 reads
5 Comments
OBSERVATIONAL POEM
Published
11th Sep 2009 3:19am
11th Sep 2009 3:19am
Crap Breakfast
There's a guy I know who eats
His daily breakfast on the toilet
Isn't that disgusting?
Having breakfast in the loo?
He takes his bacon buttie
And the Daily Whatever-You-Call-It
And sits there on the lavatory;
Eating, reading and having a poo.
Now I know this throws up questions
Of a quite diverse variety
Like "What about the awful smell?"
And "Where do the crumbs drop?"
But I just think it's sad
That we now live in a society
In which it's perfectly normal
To eat breakfast "on the plop"
His daily breakfast on the toilet
Isn't that disgusting?
Having breakfast in the loo?
He takes his bacon buttie
And the Daily Whatever-You-Call-It
And sits there on the lavatory;
Eating, reading and having a poo.
Now I know this throws up questions
Of a quite diverse variety
Like "What about the awful smell?"
And "Where do the crumbs drop?"
But I just think it's sad
That we now live in a society
In which it's perfectly normal
To eat breakfast "on the plop"
323 reads
1 Comment
MISCELLANEOUS POEM
Published
11th Sep 2009 3:17am
11th Sep 2009 3:17am
Mobile Phone Porn
I understand the point in most of
Modern-day inventions
I might not know just how they work
But I do get their intentions
One thing I'll never understand
From now till I rest my bones;
What the bloody hell's the point
In porn for mobile phones?
What's the point in an iPhone with
An excerpt from 'Tale Of Two Titties'?
It's not like you can have a strum
On the 6:06 from Exeter City
Is it just me that doesn't see
Trainloads of monkey-spankers?
I guess at least it goes to explain
Why British Rail are wankers
Modern-day inventions
I might not know just how they work
But I do get their intentions
One thing I'll never understand
From now till I rest my bones;
What the bloody hell's the point
In porn for mobile phones?
What's the point in an iPhone with
An excerpt from 'Tale Of Two Titties'?
It's not like you can have a strum
On the 6:06 from Exeter City
Is it just me that doesn't see
Trainloads of monkey-spankers?
I guess at least it goes to explain
Why British Rail are wankers
820 reads
7 Comments
DU Poetry : Submissions by DrewThompson
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