so.. where are you now with this whole poetry lark
lepperochan
CraicDealer
Forum Posts: 8459
CraicDealer
Tyrant of Words
50
Joined 1st Apr 2011Forum Posts: 8459
Poetry Contest Description
Compose a poem
Alright then, the craic is this, compose a poem, use any subject you like, make it concise, use everything you've learned elsewhere or on this site about technique, fluidity, punctuation or lack there of, voice, language, etc.
I'm looking for that extra mile, some thought, feeling, even some showing off.
I'll put up a book for the winner, choice between four.
The Trinity - by Leon Uris (totally recommend reading it)
A Midsumer night's dream - Shakespear
A Brief history of time - Stephen Hawking (cheers Jon)
Seek the Fair Land - Walter Macken
the contest will be anonymous, so send your poem to me and I'll post it. The winner will be picked by one or two independent judges who I'll name as soon as I have their commitment
Do your best, best o luck to you all.
I'm looking for that extra mile, some thought, feeling, even some showing off.
I'll put up a book for the winner, choice between four.
The Trinity - by Leon Uris (totally recommend reading it)
A Midsumer night's dream - Shakespear
A Brief history of time - Stephen Hawking (cheers Jon)
Seek the Fair Land - Walter Macken
the contest will be anonymous, so send your poem to me and I'll post it. The winner will be picked by one or two independent judges who I'll name as soon as I have their commitment
Do your best, best o luck to you all.
Atakti
Forum Posts: 3015
Guardian of Shadows
30
Joined 1st Aug 2012 Forum Posts: 3015
Great competition idea, Craic. Thumbs up from me... quite a challenge you have set, too.
lepperochan
CraicDealer
Forum Posts: 8459
CraicDealer
Tyrant of Words
50
Joined 1st Apr 2011Forum Posts: 8459
Alright folks, just to clarify for those not familiar with the anon contest.
1 you pm your poem to me
2 I post it here under my name
3 your poem gets judged on its content and technique
4 simples
Judges are Mr Jack Heslop and Mr Hemi Head
because the winner will recieve a book, I'm going to give the trophy to the best critique of an entry. Meaning:
Once an enrty is posted, someone may critique it (one per poem) giving the auther of the poem the chance to change aspects before the final day. One change per poem .
I hope that's all clear enough, if in doubt ..ask
1 you pm your poem to me
2 I post it here under my name
3 your poem gets judged on its content and technique
4 simples
Judges are Mr Jack Heslop and Mr Hemi Head
because the winner will recieve a book, I'm going to give the trophy to the best critique of an entry. Meaning:
Once an enrty is posted, someone may critique it (one per poem) giving the auther of the poem the chance to change aspects before the final day. One change per poem .
I hope that's all clear enough, if in doubt ..ask
lepperochan
CraicDealer
Forum Posts: 8459
CraicDealer
Tyrant of Words
50
Joined 1st Apr 2011Forum Posts: 8459
withdrawn
lepperochan
CraicDealer
Forum Posts: 8459
CraicDealer
Tyrant of Words
50
Joined 1st Apr 2011Forum Posts: 8459
Gardel sings better every day.
Chafing laundry across an old stilted block
Berthe Gardes spilled midsummer lyrics
and arrangements into the crisp evening (2)
ambience, birds stopped in their journey
to relish the splendour of her lone voice
Stimulating a bastard phenomenon in the
biosphere whose baritone cylinders would
later implode an aeroplane, a curious
defeat of voyage. Ending an epoch of
musical virtuosity propelling an accurate
indulgence of lust filled appetite
In smoke stained bars the world mourned
to the sounds of orgasmic cadence
which continues to drench open legs of
Latin pirouetting worldwide
Chafing laundry across an old stilted block
Berthe Gardes spilled midsummer lyrics
and arrangements into the crisp evening (2)
ambience, birds stopped in their journey
to relish the splendour of her lone voice
Stimulating a bastard phenomenon in the
biosphere whose baritone cylinders would
later implode an aeroplane, a curious
defeat of voyage. Ending an epoch of
musical virtuosity propelling an accurate
indulgence of lust filled appetite
In smoke stained bars the world mourned
to the sounds of orgasmic cadence
which continues to drench open legs of
Latin pirouetting worldwide
lepperochan
CraicDealer
Forum Posts: 8459
CraicDealer
Tyrant of Words
50
Joined 1st Apr 2011Forum Posts: 8459
Idée fixe
I lit his eyes with kindling that winter,
skin smouldered with charred remnants
of everything you were
and everything we could have been.
Locked-jaw confessions seethed
under buds that once tasted air,
your breath of mourning
scratched scarlet cracks in a skyline (3)
and your dry eyes, the needle points
gave birth to barren throats,
the choking fullness of your life
blessed the silence of your death-
there were blind-spots
where reflex once reigned among us
with an iron fist, your locks of hair;
the teeth I kept in glass jars.
I lit his eyes with kindling that winter,
skin smouldered with charred remnants
of everything you were
and everything we could have been.
Locked-jaw confessions seethed
under buds that once tasted air,
your breath of mourning
scratched scarlet cracks in a skyline (3)
and your dry eyes, the needle points
gave birth to barren throats,
the choking fullness of your life
blessed the silence of your death-
there were blind-spots
where reflex once reigned among us
with an iron fist, your locks of hair;
the teeth I kept in glass jars.
lepperochan
CraicDealer
Forum Posts: 8459
CraicDealer
Tyrant of Words
50
Joined 1st Apr 2011Forum Posts: 8459
lepperochan said:Masquerade
The Carnival of Venice
Everyone robed for the ball
Although I am a woman
I now dress as a man
This is not permitted
I will enjoy myself (1)
As long as I can
Ah there I see a veiled lady
With her rosy lips
Her exciting cleavage
The gleam in her eyes
Oh how I would love to
Seduce the lady in blue
There is music in the air
Laughter and gaiety
I approach the lady fair
Ask her to dance with me
She says yes and I lower my voice
Tell her she is lovely
Kiss her on her neck
Tell her I am the Marquis of So and So
A prominent and handsome man
What a match I would make
For that lady fair
Now is my chance
Romance is in the air
Couples are a courting
In the moonlight
I take her to a courtyard
When we kiss passionately
My hands wander
Over her bosom
She has let me
Now comes the tricky part
She must remain a virgin
So I am very cautious
As I find her mound of venus
And what lies below it
Careful fingers feel the rush
Of sweet fluids and the buckling
Of her knees, one more time
And her hymen is gone with ease
The night becomes dawn
She has to go home
I have to run
Cannot be caught
Impersonating a man
Only once a year
Can I come out of the closet
I go home to my husband
Children and my bourgeoisie.
Ok, number (1), I'll start off the critiques.
I think the content is sound enough, I think that the lines are very abrupt, meaning there's a lot of stop/start going on rather than a fluid read.
If you take the first seven lines, I'll try show you what I mean.
I think that lines read more fluid depending on how you finish the line before and start the line after etc, so if you take that into consideration and apply it to these lines, you might feel the difference while reading;
The Carnival of Venice
Everyone robed for the ball
Although I am a woman
I now dress as a man
This is not permitted
I will enjoy myself
As long as I can
---------------------------------------------------------------
At the Carnival of Venice
with everyone robed for the ball
and I'm a woman dressed as a man
even though it's not permitted
(I'll enjoy myself as long as I can )
I've just added in a word here and there to try and increase the fluidity (or my perception of it). the line at the end I've put in brackets because I'm not sure you need it at all.
It sometimes feels like you're trying too hard to set a plot, almost spoon feeding it, which results in you not setting the actual scene as good as you can. If you take the actual scene that you have set, the carnival, people robed up and stuff, you could try get that scene and images of what's around you in a little more vividly. I think you should have more faith in the average reader that he/ she'll get it.
Just in the context of punctuation, these lines;
"I go home to my husband
Children and my bourgeoisie."
see, if you're going down the route of zero punctuation , I think you have to make up for that in your line breaks. though I honestly can't see how you'll get away with not using a comma
I go home to my husband, children
and my bourgeoisie.
is how I'd do it.
okay, please don't go taking the above too literally, it is after all only my opinion.
The Carnival of Venice
Everyone robed for the ball
Although I am a woman
I now dress as a man
This is not permitted
I will enjoy myself (1)
As long as I can
Ah there I see a veiled lady
With her rosy lips
Her exciting cleavage
The gleam in her eyes
Oh how I would love to
Seduce the lady in blue
There is music in the air
Laughter and gaiety
I approach the lady fair
Ask her to dance with me
She says yes and I lower my voice
Tell her she is lovely
Kiss her on her neck
Tell her I am the Marquis of So and So
A prominent and handsome man
What a match I would make
For that lady fair
Now is my chance
Romance is in the air
Couples are a courting
In the moonlight
I take her to a courtyard
When we kiss passionately
My hands wander
Over her bosom
She has let me
Now comes the tricky part
She must remain a virgin
So I am very cautious
As I find her mound of venus
And what lies below it
Careful fingers feel the rush
Of sweet fluids and the buckling
Of her knees, one more time
And her hymen is gone with ease
The night becomes dawn
She has to go home
I have to run
Cannot be caught
Impersonating a man
Only once a year
Can I come out of the closet
I go home to my husband
Children and my bourgeoisie.
Ok, number (1), I'll start off the critiques.
I think the content is sound enough, I think that the lines are very abrupt, meaning there's a lot of stop/start going on rather than a fluid read.
If you take the first seven lines, I'll try show you what I mean.
I think that lines read more fluid depending on how you finish the line before and start the line after etc, so if you take that into consideration and apply it to these lines, you might feel the difference while reading;
The Carnival of Venice
Everyone robed for the ball
Although I am a woman
I now dress as a man
This is not permitted
I will enjoy myself
As long as I can
---------------------------------------------------------------
At the Carnival of Venice
with everyone robed for the ball
and I'm a woman dressed as a man
even though it's not permitted
(I'll enjoy myself as long as I can )
I've just added in a word here and there to try and increase the fluidity (or my perception of it). the line at the end I've put in brackets because I'm not sure you need it at all.
It sometimes feels like you're trying too hard to set a plot, almost spoon feeding it, which results in you not setting the actual scene as good as you can. If you take the actual scene that you have set, the carnival, people robed up and stuff, you could try get that scene and images of what's around you in a little more vividly. I think you should have more faith in the average reader that he/ she'll get it.
Just in the context of punctuation, these lines;
"I go home to my husband
Children and my bourgeoisie."
see, if you're going down the route of zero punctuation , I think you have to make up for that in your line breaks. though I honestly can't see how you'll get away with not using a comma
I go home to my husband, children
and my bourgeoisie.
is how I'd do it.
okay, please don't go taking the above too literally, it is after all only my opinion.
lepperochan
CraicDealer
Forum Posts: 8459
CraicDealer
Tyrant of Words
50
Joined 1st Apr 2011Forum Posts: 8459
Main Act
Dark passages, the pathways of me
Clogged by the grime of years
life's debris
Internal equilibrium -off kilter -a remnant
entombed by a corpse
who only wants to forget it
Hemispheres paved like superhighways (4)
lined with sewage
Sparking on every cylinder
that allows it
Exits hang receptive
suggesting landing lights
and endings
breathing happens, life pending
or not
Side show acts replace the star
headline performances, memorized
and dark
No turnaround
full throttle
A good day to die
or keep on getting on
another last time
Dark passages, the pathways of me
Clogged by the grime of years
life's debris
Internal equilibrium -off kilter -a remnant
entombed by a corpse
who only wants to forget it
Hemispheres paved like superhighways (4)
lined with sewage
Sparking on every cylinder
that allows it
Exits hang receptive
suggesting landing lights
and endings
breathing happens, life pending
or not
Side show acts replace the star
headline performances, memorized
and dark
No turnaround
full throttle
A good day to die
or keep on getting on
another last time
lepperochan
CraicDealer
Forum Posts: 8459
CraicDealer
Tyrant of Words
50
Joined 1st Apr 2011Forum Posts: 8459
Withdrawn.
Poetryman
Forum Posts: 995
Dangerous Mind
10
Joined 14th Aug 2011Forum Posts: 995
Not to throw a monkey wrench into the machine, but it seems to me that if you are the first person to publish a poem on line, ownership of that poem, plus proof of authorship become yours by the very nature of the anonymous origin of the poem. Something about that doesn't sit well with me. But that's just my opinion on the mechanism being used. It is an interesting concept for a contest though.
JJ
JJ
lepperochan
CraicDealer
Forum Posts: 8459
CraicDealer
Tyrant of Words
50
Joined 1st Apr 2011Forum Posts: 8459
That's fair enough JJ, though if anyone had that much mis-trust in them they could always keep a record of the PM right? either way man, your poetry is safe enough with me feel free to offer some critique for an entry if you'd like a no risk shot at the trophy on offer.
Anonymous
<< post removed >>
lepperochan
CraicDealer
Forum Posts: 8459
CraicDealer
Tyrant of Words
50
Joined 1st Apr 2011Forum Posts: 8459
I can count him on one hand
i don't like to call it love, just
because the little hand jacks it to the other side of the clock
way faster than normal
when we only have two hours before 'real' bedtime
this time
and
just because
we pick the same bloody songs at random (6)
doesn't mean we're on the same wavelength
[even though that was an obscure fucking song to lift
out of the whole collection, and the other eight,
those could have been coincidence.]
and it could have been grand, the idea of us
if i believed i was all that different from the other
three hundred and forty-six girls he's shagged on a whim
but
really, now.
i've only had one guy.
and if i added up the thirty-two times i've watched him tell me a half-truth
under the impression that i believe everything
that floats off his bi-lingual, talented lips
plus
his six core rules
only three of which have been revealed
plus
the two times i've seen jealousy think very hard
about sending a man out of my pub by the throat
plus the forty-nine nights
he usurped the conversation
with stories of blitzes, bitches, babes and sea
(approximately, five stories times two)
plus
one lost love-of-his-life-bff
who wants to meet me
probably to make sure i'm good enough
i would still have a man who held his heart to my chest
and meant it.
i don't like to call it love, just
because the little hand jacks it to the other side of the clock
way faster than normal
when we only have two hours before 'real' bedtime
this time
and
just because
we pick the same bloody songs at random (6)
doesn't mean we're on the same wavelength
[even though that was an obscure fucking song to lift
out of the whole collection, and the other eight,
those could have been coincidence.]
and it could have been grand, the idea of us
if i believed i was all that different from the other
three hundred and forty-six girls he's shagged on a whim
but
really, now.
i've only had one guy.
and if i added up the thirty-two times i've watched him tell me a half-truth
under the impression that i believe everything
that floats off his bi-lingual, talented lips
plus
his six core rules
only three of which have been revealed
plus
the two times i've seen jealousy think very hard
about sending a man out of my pub by the throat
plus the forty-nine nights
he usurped the conversation
with stories of blitzes, bitches, babes and sea
(approximately, five stories times two)
plus
one lost love-of-his-life-bff
who wants to meet me
probably to make sure i'm good enough
i would still have a man who held his heart to my chest
and meant it.
MaggieG
Forum Posts: 1819
Dangerous Mind
16
Joined 27th Nov 2012Forum Posts: 1819
Idée fixe
I lit his eyes with kindling that winter,
skin smoldered with charred remnants
of everything you were
and everything we could have been.
Locked-jaw confessions seethed
under buds that once tasted air,
your breath of mourning
scratched scarlet cracks in a skyline
and your dry eyes, the needle points
gave birth to barren throats,
the choking fullness of your life
blessed the silence of your death-
there were blind-spots
where reflex once reigned among us
with an iron fist, your locks of hair;
the teeth I kept in glass jars.
Review –
My overall impression of this piece leaves me with a sense of pain, and yet confusion. The vagueness of the images gives little specific definition of that pain. Is the writer referring to a lover, friend, family member? There is little indication as to which. This method of writing is efficient for allowing the reader to impose their selves upon the poem, making the subject anyone they want them to be. I can only assume this is the writer’s intention, because no other suggestion is given to counteract this thought, save one, which I will discuss further down.
Whatever relationship this is, it is a dark one with such implications of painful images, experiences juxtapositioned against body parts. While some of these images are pleasing in a startling way, they also lack a concrete image to better grasp onto.
Ie- “your breath of mourning
scratched scarlet cracks in a skyline
and your dry eyes, the needle points
gave birth to barren throats,”
Another example of being left with a lack of certainty specifically pertains to the first stanza.
Ie- “I lit his eyes with kindling that winter,
skin smoldered with charred remnants
of everything you were
and everything we could have been.”
Here the subject matter is referenced with the words “his”, and “you”. This switches the narrator from observer to participant. (“We” also suggesting participant as well) The “participant” factor takes away from the reader’s ability to “participate” in the poem themselves, as mentioned before. If the writer wishes to allow the reader to step in, so to speak, then the narrator needs to observe, as opposed to participating, and the vagueness can be maintained. But if the narrator is also part of the story? Then more exactness needs to be implemented so the reader can follow the story clearly which allows him/her to “participate”, only in the role of the“observer”.
I would also like to address the punctuation of the second and third stanzas. It lends little to any openness of image as well
Ie- “Locked-jaw confessions seethed
under buds that once tasted air,
your breath of mourning
scratched scarlet cracks in a skyline
and your dry eyes, the needle points
gave birth to barren throats,
the choking fullness of your life
blessed the silence of your death-“
The images run together partly due to the punctuation chosen. As a reader I would find less issue with this if it created a concise overall picture. However it does not in my opinion. I found myself trying to piece the puzzle together, so to speak. The “work” involved in doing this could very well be a pleasing aspect to some readers. But there is others like me who simply find it work.
In the final stanza, I was also left trying to “connect” the last two images to the very well written previous lines.
Ie- “there were blind-spots
where reflex once reigned among us
with an iron fist, your locks of hair;
the teeth I kept in glass jars.”
While the images are clear, concise, and graspable, they also seem to have little to do what the writer wrote before. This also brings into question the semicolon. What do the “teeth” have to do with the “hair” other than they belong to the same person?
Even with these issues, I enjoyed the piece. As an experienced reader (and yes… There is such a thing. lol) I could easily resolve some of these problems. But in terms of an overall audience walking away with any specific clarity, they might be an issue.
I lit his eyes with kindling that winter,
skin smoldered with charred remnants
of everything you were
and everything we could have been.
Locked-jaw confessions seethed
under buds that once tasted air,
your breath of mourning
scratched scarlet cracks in a skyline
and your dry eyes, the needle points
gave birth to barren throats,
the choking fullness of your life
blessed the silence of your death-
there were blind-spots
where reflex once reigned among us
with an iron fist, your locks of hair;
the teeth I kept in glass jars.
Review –
My overall impression of this piece leaves me with a sense of pain, and yet confusion. The vagueness of the images gives little specific definition of that pain. Is the writer referring to a lover, friend, family member? There is little indication as to which. This method of writing is efficient for allowing the reader to impose their selves upon the poem, making the subject anyone they want them to be. I can only assume this is the writer’s intention, because no other suggestion is given to counteract this thought, save one, which I will discuss further down.
Whatever relationship this is, it is a dark one with such implications of painful images, experiences juxtapositioned against body parts. While some of these images are pleasing in a startling way, they also lack a concrete image to better grasp onto.
Ie- “your breath of mourning
scratched scarlet cracks in a skyline
and your dry eyes, the needle points
gave birth to barren throats,”
Another example of being left with a lack of certainty specifically pertains to the first stanza.
Ie- “I lit his eyes with kindling that winter,
skin smoldered with charred remnants
of everything you were
and everything we could have been.”
Here the subject matter is referenced with the words “his”, and “you”. This switches the narrator from observer to participant. (“We” also suggesting participant as well) The “participant” factor takes away from the reader’s ability to “participate” in the poem themselves, as mentioned before. If the writer wishes to allow the reader to step in, so to speak, then the narrator needs to observe, as opposed to participating, and the vagueness can be maintained. But if the narrator is also part of the story? Then more exactness needs to be implemented so the reader can follow the story clearly which allows him/her to “participate”, only in the role of the“observer”.
I would also like to address the punctuation of the second and third stanzas. It lends little to any openness of image as well
Ie- “Locked-jaw confessions seethed
under buds that once tasted air,
your breath of mourning
scratched scarlet cracks in a skyline
and your dry eyes, the needle points
gave birth to barren throats,
the choking fullness of your life
blessed the silence of your death-“
The images run together partly due to the punctuation chosen. As a reader I would find less issue with this if it created a concise overall picture. However it does not in my opinion. I found myself trying to piece the puzzle together, so to speak. The “work” involved in doing this could very well be a pleasing aspect to some readers. But there is others like me who simply find it work.
In the final stanza, I was also left trying to “connect” the last two images to the very well written previous lines.
Ie- “there were blind-spots
where reflex once reigned among us
with an iron fist, your locks of hair;
the teeth I kept in glass jars.”
While the images are clear, concise, and graspable, they also seem to have little to do what the writer wrote before. This also brings into question the semicolon. What do the “teeth” have to do with the “hair” other than they belong to the same person?
Even with these issues, I enjoyed the piece. As an experienced reader (and yes… There is such a thing. lol) I could easily resolve some of these problems. But in terms of an overall audience walking away with any specific clarity, they might be an issue.
Anonymous
<< post removed >>