CRISIS & YOU

Once upon a time it was all I ever knew,
The arguments within the family, the judgement from the rest.
I lost myself in faking, I found myself believing,
But it continues, the crisis I will have always possessed.

Tenser, demented,
young one; I've lived through it
No triumph to still be here
It wasn't my decision.
Of everything I've seen
And everyone I've been
Lifes my saviour
And I am a being

That is all there is to winning.

Full Metal Jacket

He came home loaded    
Waving himself in the air, threatening to go off    
Barreling down upon his targets    
Barely contained inside a chamber    
   
It was nothing new    
He always went off half-cocked and came back fully loaded    
Waving himself in the air, threatening to go off    
He liked the way we'd cower when his attention was turned our way    
Barreling down upon us    
Barely contained inside his dizzily spinning chambers    
   
It was nothing new    
But tonight, the safety was off and his hands were shaking    
He was aiming to spit fire    
To leave powder burns and bleeding wounds    
   
Tonight the safety was off and his hands were shaking    
And he waved himself around so we could cower    
   
I was nothing new    
But his attention turned toward me    
Fully loaded, the spinning chamber locked itself in place    
And he raised himself in the air, aiming to spit fire    
To leave powder burns and bleeding wounds    
   
He didn't like the way I cowered    
And that's all the trigger needed    
He set his sights on the hammer's mark and applied pressure    
It was nothing new    
   
But this time, when the hammer struck the casing,    
A spark ignited inside the tightly packed powder      
And the explosion became expression    
   
A snap released a weapon lying dormant in a holster    
(In the proper place to put it)    
and it was something new    
   
With no intent to cower    
Fire spat and powder burned    
Spent rounds ejected    
While the carriage went for more    
   
Sights set and shaking hands    
Leaving empty spinning chambers    
Powder burns and bleeding wounds    
And hammers striking hollow casings    
   
I barreled down upon him    
Sights set and waving, threatening to go off    
But there was something new    
I liked the way he cowered    
And I was aiming to spit fire  

I Just Can't Quit.

The clock screeches for morning,
But I believe I was faster.
Staring it down for 2 hours now,
Realizing I’m a disaster.

Shaking sequins out of my hair,
Coat on one more layer of eyeliner,
The bad taste in my mouth, chased by liquor,
As I stumble out of the recliner.

My dress is short, but so am I.
I peel it off again to shower.
The smells of last night swim down the drain,
And once again, I’m feeling sour.

Clambering over living corpses,
Through this house that isn’t mine.
Starting the engine, changing on the way
To the next party I have to find.

A bag in the seat,
I packed it full of party favors.
Razors, pills, and needles,
Items responsible for my behavior.

Call me addicted, Tell me I’m trash.
I like to hear the dirty truth.
Take me to bed, I don’t give a damn.
Do me a favor, rip me in 2.

I am bleached in black,
A life where love is lacked.

I'm losing myself again in the abyss,
Holding my razor, cutting myself with it.

I'm bleeding, red the only splash of color in the dark,
The world has gone monochrome, empty, and stark.

One hollow beat from within my chest,
As I close my eyes, and fall in eternal rest.

Something I've been trying to tell,
Before I became this empty shell.

But nobody listened, so I played on deception,
As I spiraled deeper into my depression.

A noose around my neck as I stand on the chair,
I'm ready to kick it out, let my eyes give an empty stare.

I can't wait for the chill and the snap of my neck,
Now that my emotions went crazy and I'm just a wreck.

Who would've thought I'd come to such a low?
Who would've thought I wouldn't die as my blood flows?

Toes curl against the edge of the seat,
The cold wood burns through my feet.

I lift one and then the other,
Mentally apologizing to my mother.

I've failed like many others at what people call life,
When I received no more comfort from my knife.

Another Morning Without You.

My eyes are raw,
rubbed from crying.
Because again last night,
I caught myself lying.

Lying again,
to my little head.
“No, it can’t be,
my daughter’s not dead.”

I dare not to look over,
or to roll in my slumber.
No bassinet will be there,
still, I hide under covers.

Some songs I may not hear,
a few untouchable possessions.
My head is swimming rather fast,
from my ready-made depression.

I’m standing over the sink,
knuckles white from gripping the sides.
Not one peek into the mirror,
gasping, down I slide.

Just one more morning,
made it through the night.
That leaves me counting down days
to the rest of my life.

Bring Her Home      

Bring her home
please
she's my baby girl
I plead  
she belongs with me
this is wrong
don't you see .

Her bike lies outside
my pain it hikes
to an all time high ,
I see her pink hair brush
low can't sink , as it's way to much
bring her home please
my worlds on hold
in the cold , of freeze .


The days , the nights
I strain my pain for life ,
memories swirl
my mind , my baby girl  ,
shadows of her face
I try so hard to trace ,
devastation seems
to me , to be so lame ,
I try to call her
I'm ignored
I go insane
I'm her mother , her father
in her life of everyday ,
if this goes much further
I'll die now anyday ,
does this mean nothing to you
as you , do turn away  .

Stab me to death
and tear my soul apart
crush my chest
run me over in your car ,
for that is best
than this hole
right through my heart  ,
I'm the walking dead
in this land of oh so far .

My energy drains away ,
like a ghost in long gone days
my eyes are now in flames
her voice , my mind does play ,
I stare at all her games
they glare like razor blades
bring my J.J home
to god I do so pray ,

Her brothers and I
are so now zombified ,
we cuddle and  cry
and they , just don't know why .

For christs sake
oh why , is it I you hate
for she's only nine
it's not her choice to make .

Looking though these bars
of my own design
wishful thinking
my only crime
with sadness
are these steps i take
through the ruins
of my past mistakes
a skeletal grasp
my only line
away from the chaos
of my paranoid mind