I Love You

To whom it
may concern
I am about to die
never to return
This is certainly
my end
I pray you
can forgive
It is time for me
to say goodbye
But not before
you know why
It is because my
life was a living hell
Worst then the
Devil's spell
Don't blame yourself
mom and dad
It was her
The love I can never have
This is
for the best
Or would you rather  
I cut and cut again
And with this
I say farwell
Chances are I might
see some of you in hell

[font=Courier New][size=2]         < flying >
         
     i'd always pictured us as flying
     flying through sweet quantities

     as drifting
     drifting over flower, leaf, and stem

     i hadn't pictured me
     alone
     still falling
     thinking river, current, and end

            - - -

blood drips
wrist to sink
unravels into blossoms
when it hits the water
beautiful people deserve
lots of red roses

you tell me about the pain
the pain of being beautiful
the eyes that follow you
you poor thing
you can't tell if he likes you for you
or what's between your skinny legs

but you don't know
what it's like to be ugly
when a stranger's stare
lasts too long to be polite
knowing I turn his stomach
not his head

I want to tell you this
I want to tell you
there are worse things than being
beautiful
there is paralyzing ugly
a mutilation of the line
along my jaw
no prettily-colored eyes
justify my pale color
my deep voice resonates
in a manner less than
feminine

but you don't understand
that as long as I live
I will do so in your shadow
the ugly friend, the unfortunate
sister
lucky she's smart
because God just doesn't smile through her
so I choose not to
live
because in dying
I can hide
in my death
I am finally
free of you

Goodbye Cruel World

My first attempt was mediocre if that
I tried the thing from constantine with the cat
Wanted to see if hell was a real
To see if the devil and I could make a deal
Nothing happened and I was quite dissappointed
You might not expect this from a boy who is supposedly annointed
A family with religious ties and a christian back ground
If god is looking down on me, it's most likely with a frown
I haven't done much good in my life why start
There's not much room in this ice cold heart
I have done nothing but break the hearts of women
It always starts off good, but never a fairy tale ending
Then there was the one time that bitch broke mine
It's history, but shit hasn't healed after all this time
Oh well, it won't matter once I'm gone forever
I 'll write a nifty suicide note, "goodbye cruel world", something clever
I've hurt so many people I wonder if anyone will miss me?
Will they wonder why I did it, will they think I took the easy way like a sissy?
I've already made the noose, it's been hidden for awhile now
This will be the best joke, and I'm the clown
I'm only eighteen and I think my life sucks
I used to play chicken with semi trucks
A life full of let downs, emptiness, and heart breaks
I'm fed up with all this bull shit, all my heart does is ache
Shit, my parents are almost home from the ceremony
I gotta get on with my unholy matrimony
No time for my suicide note I guess
This'll have to be do it's best
I'll be right back.........

Natasha:
The love is beatifull sign in the life
you do the real life of love in your verses
Big hug
Kis
Olgui

she takes one look into my eyes
i can see how i killed her with my lies
she said it's her time to afterlife
i couldn't lose my wife
she was meant more than anything
i wish i could rewind time
fix her broken soul
just let me go
you don't need me
just don't hurt yourself
it's not worth your life
but the blood dripped to the floor
as the pain she begged for more
i couldn't save her from harm
as you laid dead in my arms.

"Depressive episode"

A manic depressive,
no longer on the loose,
cut my throat with a knife,
and hang me in a noose.

I know there are people who care,
I'm a good person, it just isn't fair.
Deliverance, insiduous, ridiculous
beligerant, fuck this shit,
hit or miss, I hate this place,
I want to cut my wrists...

...with a dull blade,
leaving blood stains,
my body feels no pain,
just pain in my brain.

What does one do,
when you're fucked right through,
when there's no hope left,
all that's left is you.

Hearing screams,
within and out of me,
do you see,
that this shit scares me?
Think it's fun?,
give me your gun,
I'll put it to my head,
no fear when I'm dead,
I'm sick,
I'm fucked,
I'm completely out of luck.

© Steve Bertrand aka. stevieb 20110121

"My last rhyme?"


it really sucks, when you contemplate suicide,
you cut yourself with knives,
feelings from which you need to hide,
sensation of worthless has been realized.

no self worth, it really sucks,
but I've always known my life is fucked.
I feel so much pain, agony and defeat,
disease taking over, cold fuckin agony.

I thought I was better, thought I won,
caught up to me, I tried to run.
Hit me like a concrete wall,
never imagined again I'd fall.

my friend was with me when times were rough,
if she wasn't here last night, I wouldn't of woke up.
it was wham, a fucking slap in the face,
suddenly, I feel like a disgrace.

if it wasn't for her, today I'd be dead,
waking up in some fucking happy land.
I've never had it hit me so hard so quick,
I just can't fucking get over this shit.

I'm going away, don't know when I'll be back,
it's now or never, it's either white or black,
I can't keep doing this, this is my last time,
if I can't get help, this is my last rhyme.

© Steve Bertrand aka. stevieb 20110121

One more... from 1994:

"Fading"

I can't stand this, my life's falling apart,
a psychiatric program I need to start.
I hate this bullshit, few know what I mean,
I'm so fuckin' scared, I can barely breathe.

I'm so confused, I don't know if I'm here or there,
most of the time, I can't even think to care.
I'm buried in darkness, surrounded by fright,
I think it's too late to bother looking for a light.

It's all too much, I can't handle my life,
I'll slice up my wrists with a sharp kitchen knife.

Watching my life flash before my very own eyes,
I'll keel down on my knees, and begin to cry.
Feeling warm, silky blood dripping off my hands,
thinking what my life will be like in a far away land.

Thinking about how much my life is worth,
finally I get to leave this fucked up earth.
Time is moving very, very fast,
I've lived 18 years, and I'll be dead at last.

Then silence... it was a whole new day,
actually no it wasn't, I just passed away.

Now I'm buried six feet under,
no one cares enough to even wonder,
why I'd even think about wanting to die,
I was sick of the pain and I hated to cry.

© Steve Bertrand aka. stevieb Oct. 17, 1994