Poetry competition CLOSED 1st January 2010 00:00am
WINNER
rayheinrich (Death Plane for Teddy)
rayheinrich (Death Plane for Teddy)
Make me laugh fucker!
This is only a laugh nothing more , (for those who may not understand humour in a harmless way)
OWN ME ALWAYS
Women love to give a good nagging,
women love to give each other a good slagging .
Women always hunt in prides ,
women always make decisions that never decide,
women always make up then change their minds,
women always peer between closed curtains and blinds,
women always invent gossip of all kinds,
women always get paranoid about their behinds .
Women always squeeze toothpaste from the middle ,
women always park a mile from the kerb and next to great puddles.
Women always blame everyone for their own problems,
women always know best when you try to help them.
Women always have a million pairs of shoes they never wear ,
women always dislike their newly styled hair.
Women always feel oppressed and want more,
women always get what they want then feel bored with lifes chore.
Women always push food down plugholes ,
Then they have the cheek to call all men ,
DUMB ARSEHOLES.
OWN ME ALWAYS
Women love to give a good nagging,
women love to give each other a good slagging .
Women always hunt in prides ,
women always make decisions that never decide,
women always make up then change their minds,
women always peer between closed curtains and blinds,
women always invent gossip of all kinds,
women always get paranoid about their behinds .
Women always squeeze toothpaste from the middle ,
women always park a mile from the kerb and next to great puddles.
Women always blame everyone for their own problems,
women always know best when you try to help them.
Women always have a million pairs of shoes they never wear ,
women always dislike their newly styled hair.
Women always feel oppressed and want more,
women always get what they want then feel bored with lifes chore.
Women always push food down plugholes ,
Then they have the cheek to call all men ,
DUMB ARSEHOLES.
You bunch of useless snivelling Xmas bastards
you cant even make the world's most ticklish
wannabe writer drool a single drop of dribbly mirth
from the corner of his filthy unshaven
biscuit laden chops
That man is a purring pussy
there isn't one bone in his lanky fucking body that's not easily tickled
Have you forgotten??
His favourite snack is a smiley sandwich.
Oh, he'll tell you that he's busy doing panto
panto my fucking stanza
he'll be sat on his own
at home on Xmas day
with two bottles of Teachers
The bottle he uses to piss in gets almost full
and then it starts to glow in the dark.
And that's how he's spent
every fucking Xmas day
for the last five years of his life
sitting in the dark to save electricity
and the only thing he's written in all that time
is the reused Xmas card
he just posted to himself.
you cant even make the world's most ticklish
wannabe writer drool a single drop of dribbly mirth
from the corner of his filthy unshaven
biscuit laden chops
That man is a purring pussy
there isn't one bone in his lanky fucking body that's not easily tickled
Have you forgotten??
His favourite snack is a smiley sandwich.
Oh, he'll tell you that he's busy doing panto
panto my fucking stanza
he'll be sat on his own
at home on Xmas day
with two bottles of Teachers
The bottle he uses to piss in gets almost full
and then it starts to glow in the dark.
And that's how he's spent
every fucking Xmas day
for the last five years of his life
sitting in the dark to save electricity
and the only thing he's written in all that time
is the reused Xmas card
he just posted to himself.
Tis the season to be jolly,
or so the saying goes,
Not having fun? well you'll be sorry
once the roads are closed,
Quick! to the stores,
Quick! to the family,
Quick! we don't have time to waste,
Wreaths on the doors,
Tree to the ceiling,
Take the cheer, shove it in your face.
We only give in December,
No other time is right,
Don your halo this cold winter,
Put up your festive lights,
forget the problems that you face,
forget the bills you've yet to pay,
forget the fact that after today,
you'll be broke and on the streets.
Don't ask for things, twon't be the season,
Nobody wants to give,
Next winter though, without any reason,
you'll get a chance to live.
or so the saying goes,
Not having fun? well you'll be sorry
once the roads are closed,
Quick! to the stores,
Quick! to the family,
Quick! we don't have time to waste,
Wreaths on the doors,
Tree to the ceiling,
Take the cheer, shove it in your face.
We only give in December,
No other time is right,
Don your halo this cold winter,
Put up your festive lights,
forget the problems that you face,
forget the bills you've yet to pay,
forget the fact that after today,
you'll be broke and on the streets.
Don't ask for things, twon't be the season,
Nobody wants to give,
Next winter though, without any reason,
you'll get a chance to live.
Here's a right laugh and a half for a
prejudiced coward fuck:
Paul summerscales, (set the scene:
licking his wounds and whinging about the great bain of his life, the bloody inconvenience. God! the intolerable nagging and oh! the undeserved affliction:
Fucking Women.)
Keep striding over that glass ceiling with your bunch of
nonsense rubbish crap bullshit stereotype balloons
trailing happily over your shoulder
and you'll die a idiot;
what's more,
an idiot with a red hot skewer rammed through his stomach; a gift from me to you. Mate.
Har har.
prejudiced coward fuck:
Paul summerscales, (set the scene:
licking his wounds and whinging about the great bain of his life, the bloody inconvenience. God! the intolerable nagging and oh! the undeserved affliction:
Fucking Women.)
Keep striding over that glass ceiling with your bunch of
nonsense rubbish crap bullshit stereotype balloons
trailing happily over your shoulder
and you'll die a idiot;
what's more,
an idiot with a red hot skewer rammed through his stomach; a gift from me to you. Mate.
Har har.
Oh well, at least the skewer wasn't white hot - apparently if you use the navel as your point of entry death is relatively slow. I understand the concentration of nerve endings within the stomach ensures that the pain is of an especially exquisite nature. The dimensions required for the skewer itself would require further research. I can see the headlines in the Sun - Poets in Deadly Skewer Battle - Wordswerth weren't good enuff to get his point across.
I suspect you might be better of with a poker in fact. Of course, if education seemed entirely out of the question there's always nucleur, that's a pretty effective option - when people don't have the same way of thinking - but then it might be mistaken for an act of mindless violence, which would never do.
Anyone know any jolly limericks about men?
I suspect you might be better of with a poker in fact. Of course, if education seemed entirely out of the question there's always nucleur, that's a pretty effective option - when people don't have the same way of thinking - but then it might be mistaken for an act of mindless violence, which would never do.
Anyone know any jolly limericks about men?
Charli Farti
When my eldest son ,
was a baby ,
his little eyes would dart ,
all over the place ,
looking cute he'd then ,
always and no maybe's ,
force a loud fart,
to clear some space ,
the inevitable overloaded nappy,
would then be the obvious ,
and deadly case ,
and to cap it off ,
when I'd change him ,
he'd never miss,
a chance to piss,
straight into
my face .
When my eldest son ,
was a baby ,
his little eyes would dart ,
all over the place ,
looking cute he'd then ,
always and no maybe's ,
force a loud fart,
to clear some space ,
the inevitable overloaded nappy,
would then be the obvious ,
and deadly case ,
and to cap it off ,
when I'd change him ,
he'd never miss,
a chance to piss,
straight into
my face .
Don't get your knickers in a twist "murder she wrote" It was only meant to be a laugh I wasn't serious . can't you fucking take a joke ? Anyway ,Mrs, "I've got a problem and take everything so serious and quite possibly need to act more like my age" Merda lady! I have this one for you ,ok!You see the whole thing was based on a piss take of men ,which I thought was funny so I returned it , ok oh yeah and dying an idiot maybe , but that is far better than living as one , a paranoid one that is I might add and as for your skewer, it was probably up your arse getting hot enough for brandishing CHILL out I have this for you I aint really a bigot bastard , here goes
lle man
All men think they know it all ,
all men never admit their dick is small .
All men have a dick inside their heads,
all men think they're fantastic in bed .
All men think they are the best on the road ,
all men get pissed and need a commode .
All men get together and act like kids ,
all men stink like old leather and have underpant skids .
All men think when their pissed they can play darts ,
all men are remaniscent ,
of their own ,
STINKING FARTS .
lle man
All men think they know it all ,
all men never admit their dick is small .
All men have a dick inside their heads,
all men think they're fantastic in bed .
All men think they are the best on the road ,
all men get pissed and need a commode .
All men get together and act like kids ,
all men stink like old leather and have underpant skids .
All men think when their pissed they can play darts ,
all men are remaniscent ,
of their own ,
STINKING FARTS .
Vlad the Impaler preferred wooden stakes starting at about 1 cm and
slowly increasing to 5. The most important point, as it were, was that
the tip was rounded and not pointed. A pointed tip tended to tear the
internal organs and let the subject die too quickly. A rounded one
tended to slide around them and ensure an extended death.
slowly increasing to 5. The most important point, as it were, was that
the tip was rounded and not pointed. A pointed tip tended to tear the
internal organs and let the subject die too quickly. A rounded one
tended to slide around them and ensure an extended death.
Philomen D’agostino Greenbird III:
You used to have a parakeet—
Only, you- called it a lovebird.
You named her Philly. Actually, her name was something exponentially more ridiculous, though I will not grant you the satisfaction you might feel if you were to perhaps come across this piece of writing later, reading in print the full name of your lovebird and my speculative childhood antagonist.
You said you loved it more than anything.
More than me and mom? No, you said. Besides, you said.
The lovebird hated your mother. Just hated her. Ha! She would fly straight at her neck, her beak on a collision course for her eyes, her throat. Ha!
Some lovebird.
She was jealous, you said.
Mom or the bird?
Both.
You used to have a parakeet—
Only, you- called it a lovebird.
You named her Philly. Actually, her name was something exponentially more ridiculous, though I will not grant you the satisfaction you might feel if you were to perhaps come across this piece of writing later, reading in print the full name of your lovebird and my speculative childhood antagonist.
You said you loved it more than anything.
More than me and mom? No, you said. Besides, you said.
The lovebird hated your mother. Just hated her. Ha! She would fly straight at her neck, her beak on a collision course for her eyes, her throat. Ha!
Some lovebird.
She was jealous, you said.
Mom or the bird?
Both.
I am indebted to Altered Dimensions for this revealing description of Vlad's handiwork:
"Impalement was initiated by taking an oiled stake about as wide as a burly man's arm, and inserting it through the victims buttocks, often until it protruded from their mouths. The stake was purposefully kept dull to keep the victims from dying too soon from shock. The victims legs were tied to two horses while the stake was placed in position. Upon command the horses slowly pulled the victim's legs until the stake was impaled into the victims body. Mother's often had additional stakes driven through their chests with their children and infants impaled on the extended portion of the stake. After the stakes were in place, they were driven into the ground and placed around the outside perimeter of Vlad's castle. Bodies were left in these positions for months, the stench of rotting bodies permeating throughout the kingdom."
"Impalement was initiated by taking an oiled stake about as wide as a burly man's arm, and inserting it through the victims buttocks, often until it protruded from their mouths. The stake was purposefully kept dull to keep the victims from dying too soon from shock. The victims legs were tied to two horses while the stake was placed in position. Upon command the horses slowly pulled the victim's legs until the stake was impaled into the victims body. Mother's often had additional stakes driven through their chests with their children and infants impaled on the extended portion of the stake. After the stakes were in place, they were driven into the ground and placed around the outside perimeter of Vlad's castle. Bodies were left in these positions for months, the stench of rotting bodies permeating throughout the kingdom."
Anonymous
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